Counting Potatoes

Should Hayden be the Next National Hero?: Aftershocks of the Katrina Halili Scandal

The Katrina Halili scandal became officialy available in the internet this week and one could almost hear the whole country's internet backbone groan in complaint of the massive surge of recent traffic. Ironically, while the representative groups, the religious and political leaders of our country are indignantly condemming the perversion of all perversions that is the sex scandal, the rest of the country are scrambling all over the internet looking for download and video streaming sites containing the said scandalous and perverted video.

Surprisingly too, girls seems to be as interested and sometimes even more determined to find the video than guys. I could hear them giggling beside me in the internet cafe as they viewed, discected and discussed the different positions shown on the clip as well as the size and rigidity of something I wasnt too eager to know more about. I suspect that for girls, scandal videos are the ulmitate reality show. The most juicy [figuratively] and basest of all tube shows that shows a woman that must be going through the worst moment in her life. And while guys don't generally care if they watch the video muted or not [don't ask why, he he], girls seem to be very very interested in what the characters are saying while doing the act. They would even play the video back repeatedly while straining their ears to understand the muffled conversations [the medical transcriptionists are usually better at this]

Case in point is the I love you bhebhe scandal where the woman starts off in the bed staring lovingly at her man holding the camcorder while saying some mushy words:

"I love you bhebhe, happy anniversary, sana mag mature na tayo pareho.. Sana di na tayo away ng away" [I hope both of us grow more mature, I hope we don't argue often anymore]

For some reason, girls find this very very funny and memorable, recounting the lines verbatim everytime we touch the topic.

Of course, what happened after the girl said those lines didnt help. After running out of mushy words to say, the girl trailed off and asked:

"O anong rin masasabi mo?" [do you have something to say too?] and the guy answered.

"Eh maghubad ka na" [take off your clothes]

Upon which the girl proceeded to blow the guy while mumbling some endearments in between slurps.

O_o ... That's wicked..

Then there was this Lasalle scandal where the girl said while the guy was taking a close up video of her privates:

"papatayin talaga kita, pag lumabas tong video na to" [I'll kill you if this video gets out]

And the whole country giggled at that line.

Guys are no better.. One of my college friends know that my work is netbased.. Upon learning that the Katrina Halili video came out, he texted me immediately to ask for a copy of the video.. Preferably one that can be played through his phone.o_O

And yesterday, while browsing through the new DVDs of a hole in the wall stall, two groups of guys came in asking if the store manager already have a copy of the katrina halili video.

It's no wonder that the porn industry drives much of the progress today in industries like virtual reality, robotics and internet commerce. Apparently, 'perversion' is an expensive habit and a profitable business. Just now, there are already 159,000 search results for katrina halili scandal in google and more than 500,000 average monthly searches for pinoy scandal related videos according to the google keyword tool. o_O

Now our own senate is at it again - Investigating the sex scandal of katrina halili this time. Moreover, they have already subpoenaed the 3 women concerned to appear before them and to have them checked by a shrink for trauma [as if appearing before the national media because of their scandals where everyone can oogle at them while reviewing the sex videos will help]

Is it just me or does it seem that our senate is doing nothin else but investigate one case after another like a local version of CSI? [one which doesnt solve a lot of cases, he he]. Senator Revilla even gave a thundering sermon against 'the ultimate of perverts' whereupon someone saw it fit to remind him that he himself had a sex video scandal way back in 2002. o_O Does that make him the Runner Up to the ultimate of perverts?

Another celebrity was also heard saying that Katrina should have refrained from having sex in the first place because it is bad. o_O A line from the bible comes to mind.. 'let her without a sin cast the first stone'. Ehe he.. Maybe she should get herself sewn up.

On another note, the mother of all whistle blowers [one that broke open the Hello Garci scandal] from the NBI recently passed away and some people are recommending that he should become a national hero.

Reading the discussions on the internet though, the hundreds of posts that hail Hayden as the new pinoy idol, a poll that asks who will vote for Hayden as the next president, the thousand of posts pleading for a link, and several others proclaiming the date of the release of the sex scandal a national sperm spraying day, one could almost infer that its Dr. Hayden that the people want to be their next national hero. Right up there beside Dr. Jose Rizal.

O_o

I wonder what his monument would look like?

	Should Hayden be the Next National Hero?: Aftershocks of the Katrina Halili Scandal

Farming Fear

There's a nasty nasty joke being played all around the world. And sadly, we are the butt of it. This is no Fear Factor. This is real. We live in a fear farm and we are the crop.

From the moment of our fertilization to our funerals, our lives will be subconciously directed, influenced and permeated by fear. and it's not even the simple and less costly type of fear our ancestors have to deal with like the fear of hellfire and damnation, today's line-up of fear factors are somewhat more earthly, tangible and commercialized. They dont get delivered via thundering sermons from the raised pulpit either but through engaging jingles, funny scripts, and serious, credible, paranoia provoking infomercials.

We may find them funny or outrageously senseless at first, but as time can move mountains, streams and even continents through its consistent and persistent action, so can advertisements over time move billions of minds all over the planet to spend on more and more things unheard of and uneeded before. Sooner or later, we catch ourselves singing that commercial jingle. Then, before we know it, we're looking at our underarms in the mirror contemplating whether its a tad too black and hairy.

Speaking about which, here are some products, services and what nots I've compiled which have made our lives so much more expensive over the years.

1. Anti Black Underarm Deodorant and Armpit Shaver

Evolution or God has dictated that most girls should have hairs on their armpits. Some nutty capitalist felt he had a better sense of aesthetics and declared armpit hairs taboo. Afterall, if you could convince women that armpit hairs shouldnt be there and if you could include women with armpit hairs in men's nightmares, there's bound to be a huge huge market that's going to be created over time.

And now that most women are already shaving their armpits - out comes an advertisement that says "regular shaving can cause black underarms". So now, black underarms are included on the list of taboos and a new product is launched to combat specifically this.

So first it was smelly underams [which was considered normal from time immemorial to about 60 years ago], then it was hairy underarms, then black underams.. I wonder what they'll come up with next to further fan the insecurities of women regarding their armpits?

Porous underarms?

Wrinkly underarms?

O_o

2. Mineral Water

Bottled water... 30 years ago, they would've been as ridiculous as canned earth. But now, one sees them regularly in grocery shelves along with carbonated and fruit drinks. Now, they're even trying to sell us ponkana sweat [ if they can sell bottled sweat then that's it, we're really fucked up]

Bottled water... They are an undeniable proof of the power of media in our lives. If capitalists can convince us that we need to buy even water, then there's no end to what they can persuade us to buy..

Pretty soon they might be selling fresh air tanks that we can plug into our home ventilation systems..

Or scented bathwater..

Or little pills we can stick up our ass to serve as fart deodorizer..

We would go.. Pfffffftttttt....

Then the whole room would smell like a field of roses... [ farting would actually become romantic] Some pills can be made to hum love songs as they disintegrate.

3. Snack to Burn [Diet Food]

Saw this ad just the other day.. Snack to burn.. Burn calories even as you eat..

Weird.. Back in biology class, I thought the whole point of eating was to stock up on energy. 99.9999% of all living things on earth eat to survive, no wonder we've fucked up the planet big time. We eat just so we can burn the food we have eaten earlier in the day.

Isn't it ironic that while 70% of all the people in the world are dying of starvation, the rest are eating food just to burn the food they have just consumed?

Meanwhile, the US government is paying its farmers subsidies just so they wont have to plant anything in their farms [to avoid flooding the world market and lower the price of foodstuff].

God must be pretty confused by now thus the swine flu outbreak.. He must be thinking.. Hmmm... Maybe I should just start all over again?

4. Ringtones

Ringtones.. People actually buy ringtones.. Chris Rock predicts that pretty soon, a merger between big telecom companies will occur and we'll suddenly find ourselves choosing between cellphone models that have no ringtones installed.

Right in the middle of conversations, people would then just suddenly fish out their cellphones and go "Hello? Hello?", smile foolishly at you and say "he he, i'm just making sure no ones calling"

5. Whitening/Tanning lotions

How to make money in selling skin lotions 101:

Make White and Yellow people want to have golden tanned skin..

Make Black and Brown people want to have pinkish white skin..

With everyone going bonkers about their skin color, you can then sell skin lotions like pancakes.

I wonder if anyone ever notices that beauty commercials seems to be always about being something that most people are not? If the country is 95% brown people, then infuse it with ads about women with pinkish white skin. Don't put chocolate brown models on the pedestal else most might end up feeling pretty satisfied bout themselves.

6. Liver Aid, Calciaid, Omega 9, Good bacteria, Good Cholesterol, L-carnitine, the 5 signs of good nutrition, etc.

Not a day or even an hour passes without our being reminded of the weird sounding chemicals, amino acids, compounds, vitamins or minerals that our bodies might be missing. We are slowly being boiled in fear of our bodies and health.

With all the facts and figures flying around about the correct way of living, it makes one wonder how the human race has gotten this far without these wonder drugs. How did Einstein ever become a genius without promil?? How did some people live to be a hundred years old without Haveitall or calciaid??

I think it is only in this century that people are becoming intimately aware of what is going on inside their bodies, the 1,001 things that could go wrong with it and the wonder drugs that could deal with it.

7. Credit Cards

Several decades ago, living life in perpetual debt was considered plain stupid. Now we see pictures of smiling women weighed down by multiple shopping bags, grinning guys driving a brand new car brought on credit, ecstatic couples smugly reclining on a brand new sala set, watching a movie on a brand new ultra slim LCD tv, all brought by a swipe of their plastic as if these are as life should always be. They don't bother to show the pictures of these people slumped over their desks, mascaras smeared from crying or arguing with each other on how to pay the bills.

The smiling and happy faces seems to have convinced most of us that living a life in bondage to the bank is ok and living way way beyond our means is perfectly normal as long as the credit limit supports it.

We constantly live in fear. Fear sowed by the uneding deluge of advertisements everywhere and everyday of our lives. Fear of rejection brought about by black underarms, smelly feet, dark skin and thousand of other fabricated insecurities. Fear of death and our health thus the multi vitamins and minerals, mineral water, omega 9 products, enriched baby milk, anti osteoporosis pills, etc, etc, etc. Fear of the future, thus the insurance packages, college plans, exam reviews and health coverage. Fear of boredom, empty spaces and failure thus the trappings of wealth and entertainment provided by the reliable plastic.

It may be covered with an icing of happiness, beauty, comfort, health and security but scratch the surface just a little and you'll find out that most of our decisions about money are ruled by simple fear. Fear deliberately planted on our minds so as to farm our hard earned money.

Consummerism has become the new religion and Brands, the new sheperd of men.

Oh well.. At least its better than living in constant fear of being chosen as the next human sacrifice to appease the rain god. Ehe he

ps. Forward this blog to 50 other people or the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits tonight.

	Farming Fear

Reflections On Friendster Exhibitionists

Piebuko has posed a very interesting question in her blog. Why do girls take pictures of themselves in their undies?

Why Indeed? O_o I have asked the same question myself when I first discovered amateur porn [not that I was complaining then or now] back in college. But why do some girls get their kicks by posting half nude pictures of themselves in a place where everyone can see them?

A manifestation of their exhibitionist tendencies perhaps? I remember way back in grade school, boys had a somewhat similar inclination. There were a lot of penis flashing in those days. Lookiee what I have! One would suddenly exclaim as you pee beside him in the boy's CR. His penis would then be suddenly out for your perusal as if he was expecting a comment. Some older guys still do this too. I remember a story told by our female batchmate. She was sitting beside a man [who she thought was just waving a black umbrella back and forth ] in an FX taxi. When she chanced to look directly at the man. Lo and Behold! It was not an umbrella but a very large black dick! The man was looking at her as if daring her to react. The first thing that came to my mind when told of this story was a childhood rhyme. See bantay jump... See bantay jump mother.. See bantay jump father.. Fact is, some people just get a kick out of seeing other's reaction to their nudity [or half nudity]. Maybe in their secret selves, they feel that they have to be half nude or nude to be noticed or envied. Bad press is still press after all, he he. Lookie what I have!

Some girls are also very proud of their bodies. They are so in love with themselves that I think that if they can only clone themselves, they'd fuck themselves brainless in a minute. Remember the girls that stop and admire their reflections in my Multi-millenium bug blog? Well, if you know of someone who does this every other minute, check out their friendster albums and I'll bet you'll find half naked pictures along with the googoo eyed zoolander faces there. Ehe he, ask jinky and she'll tell you that some men do this too -uploading pics of themselves in their briefs. o_O

Lastly, some girls do this to advertise their availability and to attract hormone driven men. If you stop to think about it, this is really understandable as it is only a digital manifestation of a primal instinct. After all, female animals in the wild do rub their genitals on trees, leaving their scents, to advertise the fact that they are ready to mate. Posting half nude or nude pictures of themselves is just a digital equivalent of this.

Whatever the reason may be, I think the half nude or nude pictures of social network users also serve a higher purpose when you ponder about the bigger picture. Think about it as one of the mate selection tools of us homo sapiens. Dick driven guys gravitate towards the half nudies and exhibitionists, romantic guys go for the ones with the right background music, cutie widgets and cutie profiles, and others go for what's in the blogs [although all guys still do take a peek at them nudies who are only too eager to show their goods for free every once in a while, he he].

Now friendster/myspace/facebook nudies lamenting the injustice that they can't find any decent men..

... That I don't understand. O_o

	Reflections On Friendster Exhibitionists

Secret Notes of the Pinoy Movie Industry

* note: This does not apply to All pinoy movies. Some of them are actually very good.


On Characters:

A. Main Character must either have poker face [if action movie] or funny face [if comedy].

Notes:

1. Flabby action stars are ok but minimize running and rolling scenes in the movie as it might end up diminishing the heroic look of hero.

2. Hero must be poor, to gain instant sympathy from our target audience [tucked in shirts, fitted pants, belt buckles and brown shoes]

3. For some reason, ladies in the movie will find this flabby guy attractive [please look for possibles in pinoy big brother auditions]

B. Bad Character Must Have Evil Laugh [with maniacal eyes to match]. [video recording attached, please practice the antagonist on this]

C. Funny sidekick [preferably gay] (don't explain why hero wants to hang out with this guy)

D. Leading Lady [maria clara type, spitting mad at the hero at the start of the story but fucks him like a rabbit near the end. Please see sex scence notes]

E. Goons and Syndicates - contact numbers of guys who always play this part attached in separate document. They will already know the good guy - bad guy routine.

On Props:

- Defective Bullets and Magical Guns: none of the lesser bad guys should hit main character no matter if this is beyond the realm of real life statistics and if a gazillion guns are pointed at him- as usual tell them to aim for hero's feet. Good guy's gun should be fitted with the infinite bullets magazine [thank God no one in the audience knows how to count] and homing bullets [one that kills 3 bad guys for every single shot]

- Old Cars and Warehouse Hideouts: Tell producers that we don't have enough budget to use new cars in movies for supposedly 'filthy rich and powerful' bad guys. Please check stockroom or buy and sell for cheap old cars for sale instead [this will be used in car chases and exploding car scenes in the movie]. No exploding cars during car chases please, they are too expensive to create - explode car while stationary instead - use toy car if possible.

Also please contact the owner of regular warehouse we use as headquarters for the bad guys and the setting for the final battle scene. Wakwak mansions are too expensive to rent [let's hope the audience doesnt know any better].

Don't forget the pancit prop the hero brings to his child's bday just before their house gets hosed by the bad guys. [scatter the pancit over the child's bloody body as this will enrage the audience]

On Special Effects:

- Bad Guys Dance when Shot and Flies when punched by good guy. Please contact regular choreographer for this and practice the bad guys crew in flying and dancing. Rehearsal scheduled before actual shot.

- Stomach Punches el Rapido with Ear Clapping Finale. [audience loves this for some reason although it defies logic why someone will just stand there and take a hundred punches to the tummy and still wait for the ear clapping finale] No matter, contact actor if his arthritis still permits this move. On second thought.. Is this actor still around?

On Plot:

Below is a checklist of different plots or twists you can use for the movie or to make the TV series longer than it originally was if it gets good ratings.

- Amnesia: wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Good idea to insert new characters on this part. No permanent amnesias please.

- Kidnap: May be done before amnesia or to give main character the catalyst to go after the bad guys near the end. The Kidnapping needs not have a good reason behind it. Just get the girl or whatever and see what develops from there.

- babies get switched: a very 'good twist' for the movie although it seems a little obvious from the start [by the way, check with researcher if this happens often in our country].

- lockets, necklace, ring, diary, etc that holds the answer to main character's life. [suggestion that main character will pawn her necklace to buy a new 3G cellphone is rejected, who sent this?]

- Extremes: super rich vs. ultra poor is a proven strategy although the president's daughter falling for the poor blind guy who plays the guitar in an overpass and doesnt take a bath might be a bit unrealistic.

- Vendetta: Have the poor maltreated underdog win the jackpot lotto, inherit wealth from a distant relative or marry some old dying geezer to turn the tables somewhere in the middle of the movie. Don't show scenes where the underdog goes on a wild eyed shopping spree frenzy in divisoria. Underdog must be sophisticated, calm and composed when she meets her tormentor, plus she will also be able to speak in straight english.

Scenes:

- Instant aging of characters - character sits in the toilet as a kid, stands up to wash her butt as a young woman or rides a jeepney as an eight year old and come down as an eighty year old. Think up of a good transformation scene and send me your ideas. Do you think a little girl's armpits suddenly growing hairs with a camera pan showing a beautiful grown woman plucking the armpit hairs in front of the mirror is a good idea? Or how about a young girl picking her nose? Close up on the booger, pan out and show a young woman daintily rolling and flicking the booger?

- One of the bad guys is always around when someone confesses a secret: yes even when that secret is told in a confessional booth - bad guy should either be the priest or pretending to be a statue on top of confessional booth. Ps. Don't forget the evil smile as bad guy listens and discovers secret.

- Someone falls off the stairs: Dramatic way of getting rid of someone important in movie. Stairs should be made of concrete or marble and not wood and should be composed of more than 3 steps. Please dont forget camera pan focusing on facial expression of character as she falls down. Do a slow motion if possible but dont give the falling character a script.

- Someone has to die first before the good guy becomes enraged. Dying person says 1 page script before dying. Dying person SHOULD be someone of importance to main character. The scene with the laundry woman dying in the arms of her master telling him about remaining spin cycles and where the hangers are stored was scratched from our script.

- Song and Dance Portion: There is nothing wrong with a macho, bad ass, no nonsense type of hero doing a song and dance portion on the beach with his lady and hundreds of other beach goers. Even macho guys get overwhelmed by emotions sometimes, although in real life he would have to kill himself afterwards because of the shame.

- Bullets run out so the good and bad guy have to fight hand to hand combat. Why this is so is a mystery the film school didnt explain. Maybe there's just something very sellable with two macho guys groping each other, tumbling on the floor with their sweat dripping on each other and breathing on each other's face.

- Leading Man and Leading Lady Run Together in Slow motion as Background Explodes: This shot is a must as 30% of the budget is tied in the explosives in this scene. Use three cameras to capture the scene and show all in movie. No cuts, no retakes even if all three cameras show the love handles of the hero flapping up and down as he runs.

- Nude Scenes: Of course, no action movie is complete without some sweaty, glazed eyed, moan filled, slow motion errotic bed scene. Special care must be taken to ensure that the scene makes it through the censors though. So a. only one breast or one nipple should be visible at any one time, b. No pubic hair or shadows of pubic hairs are to be shown c. Focus on characters' glaze eyed faces and confusing entwined body parts instead of the sensitive parts and d. Even if it defies reality and logic combined, the guy should be fixated at kissing the girl, her neck, her ears and anywhere else instead of her breasts. No sucking of the nipple please!! This doesnt happen in movies!

Finally, have the hero and leading lady sing the movie's theme song in a popular TV show even if they both don't know how to sing. Promote the controversial [and unrealistic] sex scene in the movie, sit back and wait for the bucks to roll in. Never mind if its a complete waste of a powerful educational media or if its the damn tail wagging the media dog. In this industry, the only God is the one you keep in your wallet.

	Secret Notes of the Pinoy Movie Industry

Transcendence

Somehow he knew it was just a matter of time. Then again, he already knew there was something terribly wrong a week before when the lab results came in and he noticed the whispered conversations, the unshed tears and the poignant tenderness in the touch of his loved ones - almost as if they were etching every moment in their souls.

He was finding it hard to breathe, much more to talk. Out from nowhere, a muted sob escapes his lips and a single tear rolled down his cheek. Not because of the innate fear of what's to come but because of the deep regret that comes with wishing things could've been different, that he could've done more, loved more or could've spoken the words that would now be forever unsaid.

In the twilight on his conciousness he hear his wife praying for him and his children whispering words of love and goodbyes. With all his heart he wished he could all hold them in his arms one last time.. with his last breath he prayed they will be alright.

It was time...

Slowly, his conciousness ebbed until it was all but a flicker of light. He felt himself drifting into the vast nothingness that inhabits the world of dreams. His thoughts begin to fragment, one by one, all his memories flashed before his eyes before disintegrating into the void and soon enough, even his very concept of self was lost in a fine mist of thoughts and memories.

Like tiny bubbles in a fast flowing stream, the fragments floated. For what seemed like ages, these bits and pieces journeyed among other bubbles scattering, tumbling and merging in the turbulent flow. Finally, the river of fragments empties itself into a vast ocean. There they slowed, settled and finally recombined..

Light...

It was the first spark of conciousness - like waking from a deep restful sleep yet more so. And in that first moment, self and all the fragments of memories recombine from the bubbles in the froth. He opens his eyes and is flooded by a sudden gush of awareness. It is as if his self permeates the whole of the vast ocean, as if he was one with the flows, the tides and the froth. He is an entity unbounded by physical dimensions and yet one with the whole. He has never felt more alive before.

Welcome home..

A voice from his childhood and yet no words were spoken. He sensed a multitude of selves welcoming, enveloping him and merging with his own. Fragments crossed the divide and suddenly he knew who they were..

His mother whom he has not seen for almost 20 years, his cousin and childhood friend, his brother in law who preceeded him not a year ago, his friends, aunts, uncles, friends and everyone else he had known, loved and said farewell to in his other life.

They enveloped him and his core was suffused with a deep glow of contentment. This time though there were no physical barriers between him and their multitudes of conciousness - all their thoughts and feelings crossed from one awareness to the other without dilution. It was a perfect union of entities and selves.

...What is this place?...

...It is a stream of conciousness unbounded by space and time. A creation of downstreamers far into the future that reaches into the furthest past.

The question was anwered almost at the same time it was asked..

Every mind that has ever existed and that has ever been freed from its physical confines are brought here - a vast network of interlinked minds spanning every world, every time and every dimension of our universe. Here we are whole, we are at peace, we are one...

And so it was, without the need for pretensions, misleading words, insecurities and hidden intentions so common in the physical world, he began to experience perfect tranquility for the first time in his life. With the purity of union among other entities and the conciousness stream, he began to understand the true meaning of happiness and meaning. He has found life in its purest form.

The stream is an unbroken loop of minds that threads the most remote past to the furthest future where people are born free from physical bodies and are introduced directly into the stream. It is connected to the physical world only though the different manifestations of energy.. Thoughts, dreams, radiation, matter.. Through which everything from the formation of stars to the unfolding of time is connected.

Interlinked conciousness and life using the very fabric of the universe.. It is to be the final step in the evolution of man and his technology and his quest for the fullfilment of an eons old faith. A future folds into the past to extend Redemption.. Eternity.. Peace..

He thought of the family he have left behind and his attempts of direct communication through the physical barriers of the human brain. He fleetingly feels a deep sense of regret and loss.

But in this place where one human lifetime is but a drop in the glorious infinity of the stream, he would wait..

And when he opened his eyes, he smiled..

Welcome home...

	Transcendence

Most Popular End of the World Scenarios in Movies

There's something about end of the world stories, books and movies that tickles the imagination of morbid people all around the world - almost as if we're all anticipating and waiting for the proverbial axe to fall just so we can start breaking open those popcorns and have a seat on the front row.

In fact, stories about the end of the world were favorites even during ancient times. The aztecs, summerians, egyptians, american indians and quite a number of other ancient [even modern] cultures speaks of a great flood that consumed the world. The Christian book of revelations speaks about a second coming, aztec drawings speak of the coming end of the world through fire [date is 2012] which interestingly corresponds to a scientist's prediction of a massive solar flare [my sister says this was on yahoo news] and I predict that an alien civilization will make earth its dumpsite and bury all of us under galactic poo.

And since there's nothing much to do right now than to listen to the raindrops patter on the roof and down to our floor [yes, our roof is only designed to block sunlight, not rain], I've decided to jot down the most popular end of the world scenarios that have ever shown on cinemas or got printed on books:

1. Earthbound Asteroid
[deep impact and armmageddon]

The proverbial galactic shit hitting the fan [or in this case, our planet]. A big massive ball of rock [Mr. President, its the size of texas] is headed towards a head on collision with earth. Its an extinction level event, or so the movie says where everyone dies except for the bacteria that inhabits the thermal vents beneath the earth.

This scenario is one of the most popular for several reasons. A. Destruction Galore as the great ball of fire crashes down to earth in a spectacular explosion [it even crashes smack in the middle of a big city even though the odds are against it for better effects]. B. Killer Tsunamis: those that didnt have the luck of being on the impact site gets to drown in the killer tsunamis that follow. [the waters recede first and people flock to admire the exposed seabed before realizing the biggest mistake of their lives]. C. Slow Death: As icing on the cake, people who are unlucky enough to survive the first two get to die a slow and horrible death as the dust covered athmosphere triggers an ice age and people starve to death.

2. Super Virus
[Resident Evil, The Happening, Outbreak, Rainbow Six and I am Legend]

Another recurring theme that uses a runaway virus as a premise. In this future, cosmetic and beauty companies fall on hard times, everyday is halloween and human sushi gets added to the menu.

3. Robot Rebellion
[I Robot, Terminator and The Matrix]

Robots rise up against their human masters and take over the world. Strange but in all the above mentioned movies, the central characters somehow needed to show their naked butts - maybe this is relevant in some way to the central plot - I don't know.. You can notice this most easily in the Terminator series where you get to see how Arnold's butt ages over the years.

Going back to the discussion, the robots, using their undisputable logic, finds humans too complicated and confusing to live along with, so they made them a. Batteries, b. Target practice and c. Sentient pets.

4. Extreme Weather
[The Day After Tomorrow, Judge Dredd and Waterworld]

Melting of the polar Ice-caps, desertification of the whole earth and raging global storm systems.. All caused by the wanton destruction of the earth by humans. In Waterworld, dry land has become a myth. In Judge Dredd, seas and oceans have become non existent and the law keepers have to wear cheesy looking costumes. In the Day After Tomorrow, Earth enters an ice age [which is not hard to believe since our weather has gone bonkers these past few years]. Again people have the option of a. starving
to death, b. freezing to death or c. Listening to stallone's mumblings.

5. Alien Invasion
[Independence Day, Titan A.E., Evolution, War of the Worlds, and Battlefield Earth]

Aliens pick up TV show signals from earth and come for a peek. After expending tremendous amounts of energy, travelling light years from their home planet and despite the fact that there are quadzillion other planets, planetoids, asteroids, comets and whatever between them and the earth that can be more profitably or efficiently mined, terraformed or colonized, they choose earth to be their next project.

For their stupidity, humans or in the case of war of the worlds, bacteria finds a way to circumvent and defeat their super advanced and high tech defense systems, thereby blowing them to smithereens.

6. The Second Coming
[Meggido, Good Omens, Hellboy and the End of Days]

Prophecy of the revelations in the bible come true and overpopulation triples twice over in the span of one night as Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, Six pack Leonidas, and billion others of our ancestors rise from the dead for the second judgement.

Of course, the movies dont ever come this far [due to budget constraints and special effects requirements]. The sky darkens, some people die but everything goes back to normal in the end.

7. Mutants and Monsters
[Reign of Fire, Godzilla, Xmen, etc]

Monsters and Mutants [yup, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel now] are also used to color end of the world stories. In the reign of fire, the world is overtaken by mythical fast breeding dragons from our past. Fighter jets that fly faster than the speed of sound, semi-sentient long and medium range radar guided missiles and all our advanced technologies are rendered useless by fire breathing, flying dragons - [why? Only the director knows], likewise with the impossibly fast giant lizard Godzilla who's biggest mistake was to come to America instead of the Philippines which he could've ravaged to his heart's content without getting himself killed [there would be nothing left to protect after the senate finishes their investigation].

	Most Popular End of the World Scenarios in Movies

Countdown to Chaos

It's been raining non-stop for almost 4 days now and the weather station predicts than it will rain for about 4 days more. I've almost forgotten what it's like to see the sun and go through the day without hearing raindrops splattering on the pavement below. I've also heard that the water level of the river [which is just one house away from us] is almost at level with the discharge pipes. Streets are flooding, crops are drowning, the laundry is getting smelly and the roof, our roof, is on the verge of disintegrating. We've been running around here for the past two days or so doing water leak damage control as if we're in a fuckin' submarine or something.

"all hands to battlestations!! This is not a drill!!"

Worse of all, this is happening right smack in the middle of freakin summer! The weather stations are going bonkers trying to explain how in earth did 3 low pressure areas simultaneously develop over the country. They may not be saying it out loud, but I think the general mood is "Fuck It! Blame it on fuckin' global warming and let's go home!"

Well at least we don't have to worry about swine flu just yet. Or at least as far as we know. I wouldn't trust our government's ability to screen airport arrivals as far as I can throw myself. Hell, they can't even solve the traffic problem. So basically, we're just waiting for the axe to fall or the shit to hit the fan or whatever. And when it does, the numbers are against us surviving like Will Smith did in I am legend. More likely, we're going to be one of those ugly mutated pakershits who eat each other's toes for breakfast.

What exactly do we do in case this becomes a pandemic? O_o Do we:

A: Spend like crazy to stock up on food, medicine, cigs and other survival supplies and bar the doors? [as long as the internet connection keeps up, this isnt too far from any other day, he he, we're already hermits as it is]

B. Burn anyone who so much as sneezes or shows an elevated temperature?

Or

C. Head for the mountains along with sacks of canned goods and hope to God that Inday didnt forget to bring along the can opener?

Maybe the government will even contruct a Philippine Ark and decide who gets to go in through Pinoy Bingo Night..

Well at least, the Global economic recession will be a moot point by then, along with the issue of charter change, overpopulation, global pollution and the new plate number coding in Naga. He he

	Countdown to Chaos