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Thank God my puberty days are over and Valentines has settled to become one of those special but not nerve wracking, mushy but not corny, costly but not outrageously expensive holidays. Used to be, Valentines, was one of those potential landmine or jackpot day of the year. Girls would bring out their scorecards and guys would be all out prunning themselves like peacocks hoping to score some points - kinda like an unnoficial mating season special for the homo sapien species where the males put their best foot forward, shop like crazy for the mushiest gifts and prettiest flowers, spray themselves full with expensive perfumes, (some even buy a new set of clothes), and memorize/practice in front of the mirror those God-awful puke inspiring lines they've taken from some Valentine's card or romantic movie.
Trust me on this. This is not an exaggeration. I've been to enough college dorms and seen enough boardmates go through this painful yearly ritual to write a book about the subject. Most girls are not aware of it, but Valentine's for guys (especially the highschool and college ones) are worthy of complex battle plans, back-up strategies and complicated scenario building sessions - kinda like the entrapment operations you see in gus abelgas' XXX show or the CSI.
As with most valentine's battle plans though, the greatest flaw stems from the fact that most of the advice used to make such plans are given by guys just as naive as the guys using it. The blind leading the blind or so they say and the only ones ahead in the game are those who have helpful older (5 years or so )brothers or sisters (more effective), friends or those who are obsessive enough to have scoured the net for some ideas. Experience, after all is still the best teacher.
So for those who have read this far, here are some tips and things to remember for this year's Valentine Circus.
Note: the author will not be responsible for any break-ups, cool offs, or any other date disasters arising from following the advices on this post.
1. The KISS principle and Murphy's Law
Keep it simple, stupid, because according to Murphy's law, everthing that's bound to go wrong will indeed do. Valentine battle plans that involves a hundred balloons to be set free at the right moment, coordinated fireworks, doves, a thousand flowers and candles rarely take off without a hitch, moreoever unlike in Filipino movies, people don't clap their hands when you shout your love and kneel before your girl in public (this only happens in movies). You're more likely to elicit snickers and muffled laughter for your trouble.
So stick to easy to follow plans like a simple movie, a valentine's concert or a romantic candlelit dinner. Save the special moves for less stressful days (the flowers and balloons will be a lot cheaper then and you're more likely to catch her with her pants down - literally).
2. The Valentine's Pareto Principle
Their drills were bloody battles and their battles bloody drills.
Someone once wrote this line about Ceasar's army and its success. Same goes to any valentine's plan. The more you prepare and practice your lines beforehand (if you're still this corny), the less buckets you will sweat and the less you will stutter your lines come d-day.
Do recon the place you're going to eat in too. You wouldnt want to end up dressing like the waiters or wearing clothes the exact same pattern as the table cloth or wallpaper when the time comes.
While you're at it, check out the menu and the prices. Many a valentine's date have ended in disaster because the guy had to ask the girl to foot the bill.
3. Masturbate before the date
... that's something you don't see in valentine articles everyday. He he he. But according to my college friend, sexual tension is actually the cause of most date disasters. Guys tend to stutter while maneuvering the conversation towards more intimate topics, hands tend to shake, the senses tend to become overloaded and the brain drunk with endorphins.. Ergo you end up looking un-suave, uncool and unexperienced all because of unreleased sexual tension.
If you think this piece of advice is applicable to you and if you want to be as suave as Bond, James Bond on the Big night, please do it before you take a bath. You don't want to end up smelling like bleach all night long. Wahaha!
4. Surefire Topic for the Date
Many guys spend a lot of time obsessing over what he will say or talk about come the big date when the answer is actually very simple - Its all about her. Her favorite books, songs, diets, movies, brand of tampoons, tv series, etc, etc, etc.
So practice your 'I'm very interested in what you're saying even though i dont understand half of it' look and brush up your conversational skills like saying 'aaahhhhh', 'that's interesting', 'you're right', 'so what did you do?, 'serves her right' at the appropriate moments. Think of yourself as the character in the RPG games you're playing programmed to utter phrases at the click of the mouse.
"battlecruiser operational"
"valkyrie prepared"
"ghost ready"
5. Happy are those who dont expect too much for they will not be disappointed
This means, guys, dont expect scoring first base immediately after your expensive valentine's date. Oh I know you'll deny this outright but at the back of your mind, I know this is the capping stone in your Valentine's plan. Girls, if you dont believe this, check your date's wallet and 9 out of 10, you'll find a condom somewhere in it somewhat like a victory cigar (which you'll be smoking).
Don't let this thought become your date handicap! You wouldnt want to find your dick hanging out your pants on a false alarm! He he he. Focus instead on the mushy aspects of Valentine's and load up on all the mushy points you can get your hands on. Think of it as the bonus round where you collect all them gold coins to be cashed in later in the game. Hold her hand while crossing the street, open doors for her, read some poetry, etc. It's only a day! There are 364 days more for your diabolical plans. He he
So goodluck and good hunting. Remember that for this day, it's your primary head that should be doing the thinking. ^_^
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