Counting Potatoes

My Happy Marbles

If you have watched Peter Pan movies, then you have also probably heard of the claim that happy memories sprinkled liberally with fairy dust can make you fly. Well I don’t know if anybody has ever been successful in achieving flight this way, much less found some fairy dust to begin with, but I do know that like one of the characters who pulls out marbles out of a bag to remind him of how to fly, I sometimes pull out happy memories out of my head to help me sleep. Of course, this is done with a liberal amount of chuckling, too (which I’m always careful not to do too loudly in case my mother barges into my room with a crucifix in her hand).

As we grow older though, there is always the offhand probability of loosing our happy marbles. Just so I won't forget, I’ll keep them safe in here in my blog. For the people who are associated with my happy marbles, apologies in advance. :)

1. The Indecent Proposal (Stamp Incident)

This incident occurred when I was in my 2^nd year in high school. I was quite busy doing my lab report when my girl seatmate quite suddenly decided to tell me more about herself, her passion for collecting stamps to be exact. Seeing an opportunity to do something more interesting than finishing my lab report, I decided to tease her with a little lie. I told her that my cousin in Italy just recently sent us a really big, really thick book full of stamps from all over the world. I also added (offhandedly, of course) that none of us were that interested in stamps - so it was just a waste of good money.

Her eyes grew as big as saucers as she digested that fact. She grabbed my hand and pleaded that I give her the book instead. I told her that I’ll think about it and asked her (in a cynical bored voice) what I could expect from her in return.

That gave her pause (she wasn’t expecting the question). After a few moments asked me in a small voice.. “Well, what do you want?”

“I want to touch your legs” (ehe he, I still can’t believe I had enough balls then to pose that potentially disastrous question).

Now I don’t know if memories fade or distort over time but as I remember it, her expression was priceless! He he (growing pale one second and tomato red the next as her mouth opened and closed, failing to find words for what she wanted to say). I wanted to give her a paper bag then and there as it looked like she was about to hyperventilate. Then…

“NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!…..” apparently my suggestion was too much for her conservative nature and so I just said “OKAY, your choice.”

I went back to doing my lab report as if nothing happened, all the while watching her from the corner of my eye. I could almost imagine tiny gears kicking into high motion behind her forehead as she weighed the pros and cons, the morality, the risks and benefits of what she’s going to do next.

10-15 minutes later, I felt her softly tugging at my sleeves. “NOW WHAT?” I asked.

“Pwede sa tuhod lang?” “Would you like to touch my knee instead?”, ehe he, after more than 8 years, it still never fails to cheer me up!

2. The Endangered Turtle Exhibitionist

The group decided to get together and spend the night at the beach. As it was December, several of the boys didn’t plan on going swimming in the ice cold water and so didn’t bring any change of clothes. Those of us who brought our swimming gear though were having too much fun in the water moments after we got there for them to think too much about swimming around in their briefs.

One of the “brief boys” (Marx) suddenly had a naughty (and in my opinion disgusting) idea about removing our briefs underwater then waving them above our heads as proof of total nudity. This, in turn, spawned an even naughtier idea in another’s head (Baldo’s).

“You go first” he dared Marx.

“Okay” Marx agreed cheerfully and as he bent down to remove his briefs, Baldo suddenly launched forward, stepped on Marx’s briefs, grabbed it and then proceeded to run to the shore, where he waved Marx’s briefs as if he was holding a flag.

I was laughing my head off as Marx screamed at Baldo to return the only piece of clothing that made him decent. (There were a group of girls camping out a short distance from where we were.)

Anyway, all of us who still had briefs on rushed to the shore to talk about Marx’s brief and roll over the sand laughing. Naked-as-the-day-he-was-born (but hairier?) Marx, on the other hand, watched forlornly from the water. We were still laughing about it ten minutes later when we suddenly remembered that naked Marx was still in the water. But - when we looked he was nowhere to be found. (a vision of Marx floating dead and naked on the water and being fished out the sea days later by fishing fleets flitted through my mind).

Suddenly all the rest of the gang were cheering, a naked apparition rose out of the darkness, running over the sand, in a headlong rush towards our campfire where his only piece of clothing was displayed like a big catch. He was like a Pinoy version of David Hasslehoff in Baywatch rushing off to save a wiener in distress (he he he).

Meters away from his goal though, he suddenly tripped and stumbled face down. By this time, the girls on the other campsite were starting to become curious. To save what he can of his remaining dignity, Marx used his hands to cover his ass with sand. This is actually where the Pawikan/endangered turtle title figures in as he looked like one who was washed ashore and trying to conceal himself. He was quite serious about it too.

The next thing I knew, Baldo was standing over him with a pitcher of water in his hand and a wicked gleam in his eyes. He poured the water over Marx’s recently covered ass laughing demonically and exposing it yet once more for the guys (and now the girls) to see. Finally - deciding to end the whole circus (and to stop Marx from committing suicide by stuffing sand in his mouth), some of us gave Marx back his briefs.

All of us then stood back and held our breaths wondering how Marx would recover from the situation. Marx wasn’t moving though. He just laid there one arm outstretched and the other one holding his briefs while the rest of us stood around him stupidly wondering if something snapped in his brain. How would we explain to his mother that he went crazy because of a stupid prank?

It suddenly dawned on me that Marx wasn’t moving because 1. There were lots of people around and 2. There was no way in hell he could slip on his briefs without the rest of us having a view of his weewee. “give him something to cover himself” I shouted to another as I attempted to appease the gods of Karma.

Now, I will never know if common sense flies off during high stress situations or if I would’ve done it any differently but what our friend brought back from the camp site (to cover Marx up during his attempt at transfiguration) was a Coke Cup…

And surprisingly, Marx seemed pretty happy with the choice..

He suddenly flipped over, crammed the Coke cup into his crotch to cover his private parts (it didn’t cover his pubic hair though) and used his other hand to slip on his briefs.

Case solved.

Later on, Marx got his revenge by suddenly pouring gasoline over the campfire as we huddled around it for warmth. Almost all of our body hairs were singed off our bodies. The gods of karma were probably laughing their heads off that time.

3. MadWoman in McDonalds

Setting: Standing in Line in a McDonald’s Outlet.

Scene: My friend was laughing hysterically as she stood in front of me because she couldn’t catch me in the act of plucking dead hairs off her head.

Conclusion: Plucking dead hairs out off someone else’s head is dangerous to that someone’s mental health.

4. DarthWing Ducks

Setting: Boarding House in KNL

Scene: My boardmate and I was having a serious discussion about Jolibee’s Chili Wings and how it looked like. The funny thing about this is the fact that we were contorting our arms to look like Chili Wings to get our point across – with hands folded across the wrists and elbows close to the chest.. Ehe he, never felt so foolish in my life.

Conclusion: Never use body language when discussing food.

5. Case of the Double-Integrated Fingers

Setting: Inside a Taxi, 2 am in the morning, in front of Ilang Dorm.

Scene: Rex was having a serious discussion with the taxi driver about possible routes to Anonas (we were going to play starcraft). Ceasar still outside puffing on his cig furiously to maximize nicotine intake before the ride.

“Sar bilisan mo!” / “Sar hurry up!” he shouted as we prepared to roll. A flick of the fingers, a dash towards the door, and a slam as the door mechanism locked in later, a huffing Ceasar was finally ready as Rex and the taxi driver finalized their route plan.

Unfortunately, Rex forgot that he had his hand along Ceasar’s door when Ceasar slammed it closed. I, on the other hand, sat transfixed looking at Rex’s fingers that suddenly melded with the metal and the doorframe. More fascinating yet was the fact that Rex was still talking calmly to the driver about traffic and such.

“Let’s go through UP Village then out to Sikatuna…” He was saying..

I’ve read somewhere that the body communicates with the brain through electrical impulses zipping along at light speeds on neuron highways. If that was the case, then the pain messengers in his hand apparently got stuck in Neuron traffic along the way, being queued as unimportant over the possibility of finding the shortest distance between two points in the map.

“Rex!” I shouted unable to keep the shock and awe out of my voice. (it was like watching David Blaine perform a magic trick live!).

He looked at me, then looked over to where my trembling fingers were pointing..

“HUH????!!!!!!!” a distinct pause (from his own shock maybe)

Then…

“aaAAAAAAWWWWAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!”

He meant to say “Aray!” / “ouch!” but has trouble pronouncing it.

Needless to say, the rest of us were laughing all the way to Anonas, then laughing all the way back!

6. SkyDiving Woman in Scrabble Class

It was the middle of the Sem and my friend and I were furiously trying to recover lost ground in our scrabble class. 5 games to go and I was still down two wins in order to make the required 10 needed to pass the subject.

That morning, I was competing against my friend Mike. (you get to compete against everybody in the class at one time or another). We were seated beside yet another competing pair composed of two girls sharing the same long table with us.

Scrabble might not seem much of a PE class but believe me, you could almost smell the tension in the air as tile after tile clicked against each other on the board. Mike was ecstatic. He finally found the chance to use his problematic letter Q and was now furiously counting his score.

“3 + 4 + 12, double letter yan.. (that one’s counted double) +2+…..” he was saying as he counted - his face inches from the board when suddenly, my eyes were distracted by a flapping arm belonging to the girl seated beside mike.

She was looking at me round eyed, with her mouth forming an O – all the while flapping her hands at her sides…

Is she trying to tell me something?? I wondered..

Hmmmmm… Did Mike cheat on his last turn and this girl trying to be a good Samaritan for my sake?.. I pondered as the I sat there, eyes-to-eyes with this girl, her with her still flapping arms and a look of terror on her face..

Then suddenly…. “WWHHHAAAMM!!!” she slammed down hard on the floor.. the vibrations travelling across the floor, to our table, then to the tiles Mike was intently counting.

Apparently, she was flapping her arms to balance herself and keep herself from falling.. The rounded eyes and the O shaped mouth were actually just a manifestation of the foreknowledge she had of what was to come and perhaps a tinge of regret for choosing that particular exercise as a past time. Too late, I realized that what she was trying to tell me was “SAVE Meeeeeee!!!!” or better yet “OOOHHHHH SHIT!!”..

WHAM!… Wham!!… whamm…. The sound echoed throughout the room…

“OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh……” a gasp from our scrabble teacher who has probably never seen such a thing happen in all her years of teaching scrabble.

Mike was still busy counting his tiles… (“34 + 3….)

“MIKE TULUNGAN MO!!! (MIKE HELP HER!!)” couldn’t believe he was still counting..

“OH Right….” He said, suddenly snapping back to reality as he and some other classmates righted our fallen comrade’s chair.

Then… SILENCE….

The girl was not moving.. she just sat there.. eyes staring blankly ahead.. as the whole class sat rooted in their seats…

“Did the fall damage her brain?”… everyone was thinking..

15 seconds went by… then 30…. 45…

Her eyes began to move (not her head though).. swivelled left and right… seeing the shock written all over our faces and our scrabble teacher rooted on the spot with her hands over her mouth..

She probably wondered… “well, what the heck am I supposed to do now?”…

She placed one hand on each side of her head… then emitted the most eerie sound..

“”EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE……..”

It was scary as hell and was probably one of the most difficult tests my self control ever went through in my whole life..

I was trying sooo hard not to laugh.. praying to God to give me the strength so I could keep my face composed and looking sympathetic at the same time..

“please bring her to the clinic.. class dismissed…” said our scrabble teacher in a very small voice.. (she was probably trying her best to keep herself from laughing too)

I bolted out of the room and ran all the way towards a safe spot far off in the distance - then I laughed and laughed and laughed; tears were streaming down my face, but I didn’t care.

Probably looked stupid..

What the heck! The “pursuit of happyness” (like the movie, duh!) is after all, still one of the basic human rights right? He he

****

It seems that writing down memories is hard work and the stories are much harder to write down than to tell (maybe that’s why writing came much later than storytelling in the course of human history). I’ll try to add some other “happy marbles” to this particular blog from time to time.

	My Happy Marbles

Skipping Christmas

Santa Claus, reindeers, Christmas Trees, Christmas carols, Christmas gifts..

Do you sometimes have that feeling that Christmas is just another toll gate in every year's monopoly board? Pass go, collect your 13th month pay and spend it all on Christmas celebrations and gifts.

The children are expecting Santa Claus, writing Christmas letters and tenderly placing them on the tree, doesnt even remember to leave cookies and milk for the poor fool who will foot the bill and do the secret shopping.

As to the new parents, well they are just begginning to realize that life has come full circle and made them the butt of an age old joke. Tag, you're Santa! Sweat buckets and take out those cards, the days of generic Christmas toys have come and gone. Today's kids are even very specific about the gifts they want: Playstation 3, Ipod touch, etc. If in doubt, look for the Amazon or Ebay url link. Oh yes, those damn marketers have found new ways to torment you.

It doesnt even matter if the kid's good or bad anymore, doesnt count if teddy almost burned the house down last summer or flunked half of his subjects. Doesnt matter if annie almost scratched her playmate's eyes out because she touched her toys, or if little eddie used your vase collection as airgun target practice, it's Christmas afterall.

Office Christmas Parties are usually no better - being just another staging ground for office politics, ilicit affairs, backbiting and political moves. Reunions? Just another venue to compare and contrast lives, jobs, salaries and cars.

Toys, Christmas decors, food, xmas cards, exchange gifts, forwarded messages.. For all the hustle and bustle of today's Christmases, don't you sometimes feel it has become all fluff and no substance? That the meaning has somehow gotten lost in the heaps of Christmas gift wrappings, mass produced greeting cards, shopping lists and recipes?

Consider the following:

A poor carpenter secretly makes wooden toy cars for his kids from the wood leftovers of his recent job.

Father and son spend the afternoon together chopping wood and making Christmas Parols/Lanterns for their Shanty.

Son brings candles and flowers and spends the whole afternoon sitting on the grass near his parent's grave.

A young couple spends the day giving out warm blankets and pillows to homeless people on the cold streets.

Husband and wife spends the whole night on the porch, sipping warm choco while reminiscing on good memories.

For these people Christmas is an affirmation of life not of wealth, of building and repairing relationships instead of just trading gifts, of sharing - not tangible/material things but values and goodness.

All the Christmas trappings, gifts, parties, and doodads cannot hope to put meaning into an otherwise meaningless Christmas.
So.. For all your holiday expenses this year,
are you skipping Christmas?

	Skipping Christmas

Some Crazy Thoughts Before Xmas

1. how will Maui look when she grows old? An old painted lady with tits as hard as rocks?

2. Reporting the mean daily temperature is not a weather forecast, guys dont even need thermometers to know how cold it is, all they have to do is approximate the mean spherical volume of their gonads - the colder it is, the smaller they are.

3. Noticed how brewing storms for the past year almost always veers upwards from bicol? I attribute this to global warming, Nasser (a woman from masbate attributes this to her placing an upright broomstick beside her door. Maybe she should ask PAGASA to replace the cloud seeding project with build a great broomstick project to ward of storms. It will be the 3rd man made structure seen from outer space.

4. What's so porny about nipples? I mean, girls can show almost any amount of cleavage, even show almost the whole breast and its ok. Let one nipple peek and all hell breaks loose. In that case, can we just cover them with padded bottle caps?

5. Speaking about breasts, why is it ok to show the upper half and considered promiscuous to show the lower half? It's the same with butt cheeks too.

6. Chacha issue is alive yet again. Is Gloria the reincarnation of Napoleon Bonaparte?

7. Every year, there seems to be less and less fireworks during Christmas and New Year. Is this an economic barometer? Or have Pinoys finally grown tired of seeing grown men wail like babies as their fingerless hands are sewn back together? He he

8. People driving around in noisy motorcycles at night should not be fined. Their heads should be strapped next to their motorcycle's muffler while the throttle's revved full power.

9. Several months ago, I've discovered that Chickens (the 45 day variant) don't need any Roosters to lay their eggs. They just eat a special type of feed and they'll start laying eggs all year long. That's scary.. Will the future of mankind be womankind too? With the recent advancements in genetic engineering, will weener carrying humans be phased out?

10. Driving around Cam Sur, one would almost think that Villafuerte is a consumer goods brand right there with Smart, Coca-cola, Bmeg and Palmolive what with Villafuerte painted on almost all the public school buildings, roadstops, waiting sheds, barrangay halls, Plaza's, pedestrian overpasses (on a two lane road mind you), even public rocks!! O_o reminds me of a dog peeing everywhere to mark his territory. He he he

	Some Crazy Thoughts Before Xmas

Controversial Views on Philipine Politics: Tatsulok

A song by Buklod goes, several presidents have already come and gone but Juan is still homeless, dirtpoor and landless. Another Buklod song - tatsulok (triangle), made popular by bamboo recently, speaks of the struggle not between socialist and capitalist ideals, not between race or nationality but between the poor masses and the rich few.

Back in our college activist days, in the heyday of raging hormones, pristine ideals and naive ideas, such lines were enough to transform otherwise peaceful and slightly naughty college students into testosterone driven, rage fueled social zealots. Everything then, it seemed was the government's fault.

5 years later, with the idealism of youth tempered by the harsh realities of life outside college, with the dreams of the liberated masses buried under the heaps of monthly bills, grocery receipts and taxes, and the cry of the oppressed drowned by the cry of our wailing children, we realize..

Damn! Juan has been getting the better end of the deal all along! That bastard! He he

There you are working your ass off day in and day out to pay for your children's education, for the roof over your head and its utility bills, kissing everyone's bottom for that coveted promotion and saving like crazy for future medical expenses, and to top it all, being taxed heavily by the government for its pro-poor programs..

Juan, all the while, is getting free education (which he usually dismisses as useless), free or ultra-low cost housing and land, free medicines, free groceries,
free surgeries, etc, etc, etc...

Juan does not finish his schooling because he finds it too hard, yet gripes about the minimum wage he receives from his labor intensive job.

Spends like crazy on fiestas and birthdays and drinks with his buddies 5 days out of the 7 in a week and yet complains about the lack of government help for education, health and housing and gets teary eyed whenever he thinks about the family he just can't seem to support.

Sits on his ass all day long waiting for those damn community workers who were supposed to bring xmas groceries, or those nursing students who usually give out free food as a graduation requirement, all the while muttering why these people never seem to bring enough.

Impregnates his wife yearly, scoffs at condoms and contraception, brags to his friends about his sexual conquests and cries on TV about the fact that he can't feed or send his kids to school.

Rails against the injustice of the rich and the middle class having more money than them, and yet cringes from the very things that's needed to achieve the same level of success - education, financial wisdom and hard work. Relying instead on the government and corrupt politicians to give it to them on a silver platter.

Some Juans have grown quite comfortable living off the fruits of our Christian guilt, scratching on glass windows to be given scraps of fastfood, scratching car paints when rebuffed, stealing mobile phones then relying on sob stories to explain the fact why he did it when caught, asks for compassion from those well off and hates poorer neighbors who begs for the same from him.

Our government may have its own share of faults for the state our country is in and the rich may indeed be getting richer while the poor becomes poorer, but this does not negate the fact that there are also Juans out there who have overcome such roadblocks to success given the same odds. The maker of baguio kropek, buko juice brand, the founder of SM, and countless other Filipino workers abroad can testify to this.

For most of you reading this blog, dig deep enough and you'll find an ancestor who decided to work with what he had, who took that leap of faith just to change his lot in life, who created his own luck by believing in educating his children, who saved something out of his daily earnings, who learned how to manage money and to take risks. Who saw a way out amidst the dreariness of his life.

He lived in the same hovels as the other Juans back then, had the same meager education, did the same crappy jobs and had the same corrupt government.. And yet, he was different and he made a difference by breaking the chains that held generations of his family in financial bondage. More than joining the cry for change of those Juans around him, he changed himself.

It's not material wealth that draws the line between the rich and the poor not just in our country and everywhere else but wealth in mindset, drive and character.

	Controversial Views on Philipine Politics: Tatsulok

Controversial Views on Philippine Economics: On Financial Literacy

One of the biggest myths being perpetuated by our elders today is the lack of good opportunities left in our country and the need for our youth to fly to other countries in order to have a better shot at life. Brings to mind people jumping off the sinking titanic, he he.

Because of this, the Philippines have become a vast human factory churning out batches of nurses, engineers, domestic helpers, caregivers, etc while our economy has grown used to its dependence on remittances.

Add to this our local call center agents, medical transcriptionists, digital animation artists, etc working for foreign companies and you'll get a picture of the kind of country our President is so proud of..

A nation of workers toiling their asses off year in and year out for foreign companies and now being laid off left and right due to the current global financial crisis.

So now we're back to square one caught with our pants down by the financial crisis rocking the world, wondering what the hell happened to the golden days of immigration and overseas employment.

On the other hand..

Ever noticed the growing number of Indians riding around in scooters with umbrellas on their laps? How about the growing number of Chinese retailers who cant speak a word of Filipino hawking their wares in divisoria?

For them, the Philippines is a land paved with gold or to be more specific, paved with Filipinos willing to make them rich.

After all, in a land of workers, capitalists don't have much competition right?

Consider the following examples:

1. We send thousands upon thousands of sons, daughters, mothers and fathers to work their asses off in foreign countries. These people then send in their money monthly to sustain their dependents here.

What do we do?

Yup! We spend it all! To pay our bills, to improve the house, to buy a car, to get the newest gadgets, to pay for plastic surgery, to purchase signature clothes and lastly, to educate our sons and daughters so that they can follow our footsteps.

If this is indeed the rat race life, then the Philippines must be one hell of a rat lab where Pinoys earn to spend and capitalists sell and get rich.

2. We've all heard of songs lamenting the fate of our poor farmers and longing for the day where the farmers will rise up and take what's rightfully theirs. Well here's what I've seen with my own eyes..

Farming is basically 1/3 back breaking work and 2/3 mind numbing boredom as the farmers wait for the plants to grow. Now instead of putting this 2/3 sitting with their thumbs up their asses time to good use however, (working as a part time carpenter, plumber, market retailer, etc), most Pinoy farmers seems very much content to while away their time drinking brandy or beer, playing jueteng or lotto or gossiping about this neighbor and that.

Moreover, because by harvest time, they have accumulated much debt, pinoy farmers seem to prefer selling their produce for pennies to chinese middlemen rather than stock them and wait for the price to improve, or process them and sell them for more.

Instead, these people live a life of collecting debts (beer, gambling, etc) during the growing season and more beer, gambling, etc during harvests.

\

The Chinese, on the other hand, buys the produce for pennies, stocks or processes them and sell them for substantially more (sometimes to the same people, he he) when the harvest celebrations die down.

3. Supermarket vendors aren't much better in this aspect. I mean, what is the sense of selling your goods for a 10-15% mark-up and then using your hard earned profit to pay for a 10-20% interest loan??!

Most of these people just can't seem to resist buying cellphones, house furniture or fiesta goods on installment, paying for their children's tuition through exorbitant loans and loaning start-up capital through micro financing. Moreover, most don't even save what little profit they have leftover so that they can free themselves from this vicious cycle - opting instead to splurge it on fiestas, bdays and xmas celebrations.

Indian microfinancers must be thanking their gods for creating people like us, he he.

4. They market, get the contract and outsource the work to us. We chat our throats dry servicing foreign clients, type our thumbs raw making medical reports for doctors half a world away, strain our eyes making garments or electrical circuits for foreign companies and get paid on an hourly basis.

We look for other jobs when dissatisfied with our salaries, they think of new ways to profit, look for more clients and employees to increase their margins. They wait for their ROI's, we wait for our 13th month pay, they think more than they work and earn even when asleep, we work like automatons and spend like crazy on vacations.

I could go on and on but I think you see the picture. The problem with our economy isn't the lack of opportunities but the lack of a mindset capable of seeing and taking advantage of them.

We're trapped in a mode of thinking where money has to be earned by working for other people rather than money being created through wise investing, innovating solutions, or creating businesses around needs.

Our country has more natural resources than Japan, is more strategically placed for commerce than Singapore, had more decades of peace and order than Vietnam or Korea and has more English speaking people than India. Why then are these countries much more prosperous than ours?

I think the answer lies in the basic difference of how we perceive money. They invest, we spend. They look for business opportunities, we look for high paying jobs. They create and innovate, we manage and supervise. They make their money work for them, we burn ourselves out working for it.

The Philippines isn't poor in opportunities. It's we ourselves that's lacking.

	Controversial Views on Philippine Economics: On Financial Literacy

BrainFreeze

It isn't easy dealing with brain freeze situations especially when you use your brain for a living. Nope, I have nothing against these brain freeze inducing people, most of the time they just can't help themselves. I'm just a tad obsessed about what type of data gets stuck in my overstressed brain. The lyrics of Renz Verano's song "remember me, ako ang ka phonepal mo/ I'm your phone pal" and "I shoot mo na ang ball" are bad enough as it is..

To purge myself of unwanted data, I'm committing these brain freeze situations to my blog in the hopes of finally releasing them from my positronic memory and into the wilderness of the World Wide Web, there to find new brain freeze hosts who will in turn inflict these brain freeze viruses to unsuspecting victims.

1. On Blackouts and Power Shortages

Power suddenly goes out plunging the house into darkness. Tia Caring (My Aunt) exclaims AY BROWNOUT! as if I or anyone else needed that fact verified (how can I tell when I cant see shit?! He he).

My father goes barging out of his room demanding an answer to the age old question.."What's behind the Blackout??!" (this is only seconds after the power went out).Mother is at a loss of what to say and offers her standard reply "Transformer Problem". Father grunts as if he accepts her explanation.

"It's a problem with the Electric Company" Aunt chirps in as if its a Game Show question. (choices: problem with a. Electric company, b. Water company, c. Phone company)

By this time, my brain has already undergone a system restart and is busy trying to scan for bad sectors. "Well, when's the electricity coming back??" follow up question from father... I ponder on this briefly and do another system restart counting brain cell casualties along the way.

Casureco (Local Power Company) should get a Twitter Account.. and my father should apply as a follower through SMS instead for hoping that my mom and aunt will turn psychic someday.

2. On Eating Out

Eating out.. An experience that's supposed to be relaxing can very easily turn into brain cell killing, synapse overloading, ESP inspiring exercises.

"so, where do you wanna eat?"

"anywhere that's good..."

"what particular food do you want to eat?"

"anything that's delicious..."

I can almost see guys evolving beyond homo sapiens whenever confronted with this situation - a fixed smile on the face while a pulse throbs near the temple, brain going overdrive at a gazillion computations per second and brain cells ejecting themselves through the ears like spent cartridges of a gatling gun.

3. On Watching Movies and News

There you are, faced glued to the screen, all attention focused on understanding what the characters are saying.. When suddenly your companion goes on Explainer Mode giving his opinions and theories on the plot/news.

Brain undergoes Mitosis as it tries to deal with two parallel tasks requiring immediate attention. One eye remains glued to the TV screen while the other tries its best to swivel towards your companion. Ears also switch to multiple directional listening and audio decoding like a Dolby 5.1 channel decoder.

Brain cells get caught in synapse crossfires. Mind goes into safe mode and restricts brain access to words having more than one syllable.

Hmmmmm....

Aahhhhhhh...

Ooohhhh??....

Aahhhhhhh...

4. On Window Shopping

Even the act of window shopping or book hunting can easily turn into brainfreeze moments as the salesladies go into their Bourne Identity / 007 routine whenever a new potential customer enters the store.

It usually begins with a tingling sensation at the back of your neck. You look up from the book you're checking out and your peripheral vision picks up a figure trying its best to blend into the background. (kinda like the terminator liquid metal robot)

You transfer to another row of books. Sees the saleslady giving out non verbal commands to other salesladies in the book section (fist do the pumping motion, sends the other salesladies scouting the right and left flank) like a damn platoon captain signaling his troops to spread out and engage.

Sales ladies moves to strategic positions and blends into their respective backgrounds. You pick another book and sees 3 pairs of eyes scanning its title.One saleslady then whispers updates into her lapel mike as you move around again while the other one tail you around like a shadow - pausing to blend in the background whenever you stop and turn around.

By this time, you've become very paranoid - involuntarily checking out potential escape points and threats, wishing with all your heart that you've taken the time to strap explosives to your chest and a detonator on your hand just to see how they will react when you tear off your coat. He he, DIE YOU INFIDELS!!

5. On Jeepney Rides

Cram 18 people into a 1m x 3m long public transport vehicle, a 30 minute bumpy ride and what do you get?

Boredom in its purest, original and unaldurated form!

Like it or not, you're going to take your turn peeking at and studying the other people in the jeep while playing pass the coins to and from the driver.

The rules of the game are simple.A braincell dies for every instance of the following..

A. A man picks his nose and flicks the particle in a general direction.

B. You wonder where that particle went.

C. A woman tugs her miniskirt down.

D. A woman forgets about the hairs in her armpit while suddenly making a grab for the handlebars.

E. Someone smelly steps aboard.

F. Luck has it, that someone smelly sits right next to you making you smell like turkish beef all day long.

G. A Snoring head ends up on your shoulder.

H. The Snoring head drools in between lip smacking from contentment and you endure the rest of the ride with someone breathing in your ear.

I. Driver insists there's space for one more passenger. (fails to add that everyone will need to sit with just one butt cheek touching the bench)

J. Free bench space appears everytime the driver stomps on the brakes.

6. On Christmas Carollers

A little more than 2 Weeks from now, these Christmas carolers will start roaming the streets. Unlike those jolly, talented and cute carolers you see in the movies spreading holiday cheer however, these pinoy carolers use the trick or treat mentality to bring out the spirit of giving in people.

Christmas here is spent listening to endless joyless reruns of a song that starts with"Sa may bahay ang aming bati..." accompanied by the sound of tin cans and bottle caps.In the end you pay not for the joy their songs inspire but the blessed peace the silence that their departure brings.

If I sound too cold hearted, consider the fact that these children are very much aware that their singing is actually a form of holding peace in hostage. In fact, they are counting on it to pressure some poor old guy into 'buying' their silence because the moment a coin drops into their waiting palms, they'll stop in midsong and be out of your hair faster than you can say don't come back.

Sometimes I sing with them just to give them a dose of their own medicine (they will usually stop in stunned silence and mutter among themselves). Years ago, On a sadistic mood, I even hosed them down with my air gun (ehe he). Most times we just stay very silent hoping to tire them out. Needless to say, I end up with less functional braincells after every Christmas Season.

7. On Younger Siblings with Brain Freeze Abilities

One of the main causes of brain cell kamikazes. This type of attack is purposely geared for maximum and brain cell damage.

Mobile phone beeps a reminder alarm early in the morning. Reads "Tie a yellow ribbon around the turtle's intestine". Brain struggles to make sense out of statement - a thousand cells sacrifice themselves in the process.

Fresh, rested and just about to start work several days later when my eye was attracted to a new entry on the whiteboard. "Poke a needle through the camel's eye. "Tried to shutdown brain before it tried to process the trap - instant migraine - could hear the seven gun salute for newly martyred brain cells all day long.

Add the whiteboard messages recently

"The early worm is inside the apple",

"One hair a day keeps the bears away"

and a drawing of her anime concept

"Snail Man" - a man with the body of a snail..

and you'll understand why my brain can't stop itself from churning out silly blog ideas for the past few days,

She's the anti-mind. The destroyer of sentience and sanity. The bane of reason and logic.

So I'm slowly moving from serious content writing to simple blogging where I hope to earn my keep one click at a time - just when Adsense PPC is about to buy the farm.

Thank God for small blessings though, Havent heard the Deal or No Deal show for several days now. Wheel of Fortune seems to be finally over and Game Ka Na Ba is now hosted by Edu Manzano.

Those shows should've been preceded by a brain surgeon's warning.

	BrainFreeze

Kupals for Christ : Rise of the Hypocrites

Every Pinoy family seems to have one and sometimes more religious hypocrites and I'll bet most of us grew up having to contend with having these puke inspiring people around - which probably explains the fact why these are so few practicing catholic youths in our generation nowadays. We've gotten so confused about the conflicting values and so sick of the blatant hypocrisy that most of us found it a relief to shift over to listening to Jerry Springer, Oprah, Tyra, Boy or Chris for spiritual guidance. Hell, at least the cat fights in these shows are entertaining!

The funny thing is, its very easy to find these type of people. Just like corrupt people seems to have an affinity for 'public service' and running for office, kupals for Christ seems to also have an affinity for being active in the Church. They usually make a big show of going to the Church daily - 'talking to God', asking for 'guidance' and help. Moreover, they are usually attracted to church organizations and religious activities like parasites to a host.

Upon coming home, they would then proceed on their daily task of alienating everyone around them, dispensing 'moral' judgments and condemning 'sinners' all the while being unaware of the filth coming out of their mouths and the hypocrisy of their behaviors.

Take these people as an example:

The Madonna: Material Girl

This woman prides herself as a God fearing woman. She is active in the Singles for Christ organization and a collector of religious figurines and books in her home. She is also fond of dispensing moral advice and judgement to 'erring' relatives.

And yet..

She hoards PX goods (even those addressed to other people) until they disintegrate over time, fights over LBC balikbayan boxes even to the point of maliciously making lies just so to discredit the other recipients and steal albums and photographs to add to her 'hall of fame collection'.

She finds old women hiring dance instructors disgusting and yet 'marries' an American just to secure her American citizenship. She preaches about Christian love and yet is ashamed of finding herself associated to her 'disabled' (vertically challenged is more apt, hehe) sister. Condemns another sister for taking a trip to US while the kids are left at home and yet turns a blind eye to profiting from the money of a prostitute relative.

She goes bonkers over missing spoons, collects pasalubongs addressed to other people and was ashamed of the rundown shack that was her parent's house.

If there is the proverbial camel passing through the eye of a needle, then I suppose she is the Elephant passing through a micromesh.

The Swindler Prophet

Another relative who goes to church daily and claims she is in direct communication with Mother Mary. She listens to the religious stations on the radio while watching the religious channel on the TV all day long. She is fond of cursing hellfire and damnation to everyone who rubs her the wrong way.

And yet...

She is perfectly content with living off the profits of her prostitute child (yup, the material girl above and the prophet swindler are sisters), even finds nothing wrong with blackmailing a priest which used to be her daughter's lover.

For some reason, swindling scores of people of their money, loaning large sums without any plans of paying back and stealing her dead brother's retirement pay fits somehow in her religious definition of what's right. Hmmm.. Her type would fit in very well in the Crusades back in the middle ages, he he.

The Praying Mantis

Yet another one of those church going hypocrites who thinks that praying now and gossiping later is a perfectly fine way of living the Christian life. She is a member of her Church's organization, a part time singer in the church choir and a leader in reciting the yearly Holy Week prayers.

But..

This woman is only capable of two modes:

The eyes closed, praying and singing mode.

And the eyes open, spiteful, envious, greedy gossip mode.

She gets hypertension just thinking about her neighbors' belongings, wields a machete when outraged over snide remarks about her and gossips nonstop about this relative and that when found in social gatherings. Hell, she even gossips about her son!

She sings about the Goodness of God and salivates over the prospect of getting other people's money. Prays for the souls of the dearly departed and makes snide remarks about the lives of those that are not. Preaches about giving yet makes a life out of taking.

No wonder worms are literally coming out of her mouth.

If these are the type of people that can be found daily in our Churches, then the world will be a better place if our Churches were closed.

Being a Christian isn't just about knowing our prayers, being all out when singing hymns, prostrating ourselves daily for an hour before our God and memorizing the verses in the bible.

Far more than this, I think Christianity is a way of life. A way of getting along with our neighbors and living a life in harmony with others.

Our church doesn't have to look very far to understand why their flock is straying...

I say let's burn these hypocrites on the stake! he he

	Kupals for Christ : Rise of the Hypocrites

Controversial Views on Philippine Politics: The Real Stand of Pinoys on Corruption

Damn the politicians and corruption..

If there's one thing that most Filipinos agree on, it's the statement or variations of the statement above. It sounds right, feels right when you say it and gives you that warm feeling of goodness when used as an expletive or opinion during appropriate moments.

But take out the machismo, take out the bark, take out the cool indignation and self righteousness such statements accompanies and what do you have? Dig a little deeper beneath the words spoken and what do most pinoys really feel about corruption and dirty politicians?

1. A poor family amidst a poor rural neighborhood found their lives improving through hard work and integrity. They've earned enough to construct a sturdy house and buy a scooter through installment. Moreover, their integrity earned them a tricycle from their former employer and a position as a business partner from their new one. On all accounts, their lives are definitely improving.

This story however is not about them, it is about their neighbors who have suddenly grown cold and have started gossiping about them behind their backs. Success of this family suddenly became an outcome of pure simple luck and no work, integrity misinterpreted as pride and helping other less fortunate a responsibility not a matter of choice in their neighbors' minds.

These neighbors gripe about the lack of luck in their own lives without realizing the integrity it requires. They mutter about the sturdy house, scooter and tricycle as if they deserve it more all the while sitting all day on their asses, working sloppily on their jobs and filching the first thing they could get away with.

But when asked, these same people would rail against corruption as if its the prime cause behind their poverty.. Acting as if they could do better with their crab mentality attitude given the same political position.

2. A poor baranggay was lucky enough to be chosen as the location for a college's annual outreach program. Rather than use the help as a stepping stone to a better life however, the people have grown quite accustomed to the free food, medication and groceries that the students bring yearly.

In fact, these people have even developed an outlook that its their God given right to be helped to the point of becoming angry at students who forgot to bring along freebies. After such activities, these same people would then proceed to spend the alms they receive through drinking, gambling and merry making, going broke just in time for the next outreach program to begin.

Sometimes you'll even see some of these people crying on TV, raging against the injustice and the corruption in our system. Pitiful they might be but how can justice be justice and how can there be an end to corruption if they expect to live through the efforts of others and achieve success without lifting a finger?

3. A taxi driver is complaining about the graft and corruption in our government and how these are keeping poor people poor in our country. He rages against the scandals, missing funds and convoluted bureaucracy red tape everywhere in our government.

When asked how he renewed his taxi franchise and driver's license this year, he replies that it was easily done through a fixer. Why does he complain about a system that he himself feeds?Why complain about corrupt politicians when he himself contributes to making them so?

4. A barrangay captain candidate makes up his mind not to give dole outs and money during the campaign. Relying instead on his integrity and desire to really help to win the position. Lost against a contender who was giving out money left and right.

In another barrangay, people were flocking to a candidate giving out goods that were supposed to be relief goods for typhoon victims a year ago. And yet, in another one, whole families were making their pilgrimage towards a politician's house because of a rumor that the candidate was actively buying votes.

Why do we sell our votes for pennies then complain about the lack of principled politicians? Why complain about the lack of jobs, education, government support, opportunities and other things when we vote based on cinema appeal, amount of dole outs and popularity instead of the things that matter? Why fight for our rights when we cant even make good on our responsibility to vote wisely?

5. Government employee rails against the low wages, delayed payments and corruption going on at the highest levels of her department. Spits the word corruption as if it is the most despicable thing on earth.

Huddles with office mates around newly delivered office supplies. Takes home a rim of coupon bond, a set of pencils, permanent markers and other things the children can use at school.harmless?

These little things are precisely what make bigger corruption possible. A sack of fertilizer here, an illegal electrical connection there or some detergents from the office restroom make us just as guilty as the most corrupt of them.

6. Parent cries against the lack of government subsidy and the increase of college tuition fees. Parent is mad against the rampant corruption in the department of education, the overpriced computer units, the substandard textbooks, etc.And yet, same parent doesn't hesitate to use contacts, relatives and padrinos in government offices to secure a position for her son or daughter after graduation.

We rail against corruption when it doesn't work for us and yet we're proud of ourselves whenever we're able to use the system to our advantage. Our president promises to eradicate it and we laugh at her, our senators grandstand and make flowery speeches against it and we scoff at them. We should scoff at ourselves and answer honestly if we are really willing to pay the price for the complete eradication of corruption..

Are we willing to stand in line and wait our turn? Are we willing to take our chances along with the rest when it comes to job applications? No shortcuts, no cheats?Are we ready to give up the perks of getting away easily when caught violating traffic rules? Are we ready for discipline and transparency?

Our right for corrupt free governance comes with a hefty responsibility. To look beyond the superficial and immediate benefits when choosing our politicians. To forgo shortcuts and cheats when it comes to following procedures, rules and regulations. To earn our keep instead of relying on freebies the government cannot really afford.

If you think about it, if you interpret the deeds instead of just listening to mere words, most pinoys dont want corruption gone,they just want a bigger slice of it. Shame on us pinoys for being hypocrites.

	Controversial Views on Philippine Politics: The Real Stand of Pinoys on Corruption

10 Creative and Proven Ways for Pinoys to Save Money

Hmmm... Yahoo seems to be fond of posting money saving tips in the homepage these months. Problem is, I don't think they can be of much use to most Pinoys as most don't have credit cards to cut in half, mortgage loans to negotiate or cars to try alternative fuels or car pooling on.Hell, most pinoy's dont even have any credit standing, houses or cars to speak of! All the credit score they are aware and concerned about is their sari-sari store credit score.


So it got me thinking, why not make an article focused on how pinoys can really save money during these trying times?Something that can be of practical value to all cash strapped brothers out there braving the economic winter?


Note: the following is a compilation of proven money saving tips gleaned from family stories, personal experiences from college and experiences of friends.


1. Jeepney 123

Rising fuel prices and the subsequent rise of transpo fare didnt pose much of a problem to Bok when he was in college. The cost of passenger fare might've have risen to P7.50 from a measly P2.25 during the few years he was studying in college with his allowance remaining rock solid at P6000/month, but the net effect of it on his transportation budget was zero.


See, his principle was very simple... Don't pay your fare if you can't afford it. Just pass off the other passenger's fare as your own and make damn sure your "innocent" expression passes the test when the driver starts asking who the hell didnt pay.


2. Bus ABC


The 123 technique might not work well in the case of bus rides. Buses, after all have specialized fare collectors so you can't take advantage of the traffic distracting the driver in this case. Not to worry though, bus fare collection systems have their own inherent weaknesses that a money-challenged passenger can take advantage of.


First, find another seat as soon as the fare collector checks where you went after hopping on the bus. If you're wearing a cap or a jacket, remove it. If you have reading glasses or a fake mustache in your bag, wear them. This is so that you can disrupt the memory system the fare collector has in place.


Next, look around your new seat for used tickets, preferably those that have not been marked or had their edges torn. This will serve as your fare. You then tuck this in your wristwatch strap and you're good to go.


The last step involves falling asleep throughout the duration of the trip.Failing this, you can also pretend to be asleep as the fare collector goes around to check the tickets. Just make sure you dont get in the same bus on your way home, he he he


3. FoodCourt Scavenger


I see poor people making do with gruel or a combination of rice and salt on the TV everyday and I wonder why they don't make use of their ingenuity and creativity when it comes to feeding their families.


Some claim they work in the trash heap all day just so they can take home P30, enough to buy 1 kilo of rice for the whole family for the next day. Sometimes, you see these kids crying from hunger or mothers getting teary eyed because they couldn't earn enough to feed their kids well.


Here's a suggestion:


A. Loan enough money to buy a decent set of clothes and shoes from the local divisoria. Better yet, buy 2 sets.Cost:P500,

B. While you're at it, buy a second hand bag.

C. Take a bath (very important), don the clothes and go to the nearest foodcourt preferably around noon or evening.

D. A good reminder at this point is that you should act as if you're there on serious business, scout the territory without being too obvious and choose the food you'd like to bring home.

E. Sit unnoticed in a recently vacated table and place the leftover food ( must be of substantial quantity ) on the tray, bring it over to the store indicated on the plate and request that the food be packed to be taken home.

F. Do the same for the food on 2-3 other tables (must be from different stores).


This way, you can feed your kids (with quality, delicious food) and sell the rest to your neighbors enabling you to pay back your loan.


G. Ask your kids what they would want to eat the next day and choose a different Foodcourt this time.If you have no fare to get there, refer to numbers 1 and/or 2. He he.

H. If nobody wants to loan you the money to buy new clothes, please refer to the next number.


4. Laundry Shopper


This one takes a bit more planning than the first three tactics described above. For one, you must be careful when it comes to choosing your shopping area. Too far and you'll stick out like a sore thumb, too near and the original owner just might come across you in the street.


Being a laundry shopper also involves a bit of recon before the shopping. You must have a clear idea of what the schedule of your target shopping line is. Make one mistake and you just might find yourself being pounded into the dust by irate owners. He he, got several clothes several years ago that got lost this way. Note though that to be a laundry shopper you must have a talent for estimating and choosing clothing sizes, pant sizes and even underwear sizes. Remember, there are no fitting rooms for this type of shopping, hehe


5. Church Footwear Section


Need some nice shoes to go along with your new clothes? Well, the local church just might be able to help you. Just go over the shoes off area and choose from among the options there. If you don't find a size that fits, try going another day, time or even a different church.


6. The Wedding Crasher


Ever wondered about people, who nobody knew, eating at wedding receptions? bride's family is too shy to ask about them, groom's family assumes these people are part of the bride's family. Result? A perfect cover for eating great food for free!


I know of several people, mostly my cousins, who tried this during periods of financial drought. They say that all it takes is a thick skin and a well rehearsed answer when asked about their relationship to the newly married couple. A small price to pay for food and infinitely better than eating rice sprinkled with salt wouldnt you agree? He he he


7. Crying Ladies


For snacks, the same people mentioned above would wear their serious/sad faces, go to funeral homes and pretend to be the deceased's gradeschool or highschool classmate or something, make small talk with the people there, all the while munching on free crackers and sipping on free coffee.


8. Memorial Homes


Years ago, I've had the opportunity to talk with the cemetery's security guard about his job. Apparently, cemetery security guards, or at least, those assigned to Sto. Nino Memorial Park, are too scared to make their rounds at night.

Which led me thinking..why not use those big big mausoleums as shelter for poor families? After all, It's concrete made, has good roof, solid walls, good floor, etc, etc. Why settle for lean-tos, nipa huts and under the bridge dwellings when these sturdy concrete structures are just waiting there for someone to move in? best of all, there's no rent or threats of demolition!

Of course, then you'll also have to contend with the 'multitudes of people' up and about the vicinity at night. He he he


9. Pirated Cable TV

Why pay monthly for cable TV service in Manila when you can just as easily get one for a one time fee of P1000 or so? The neighborhood where we used to live had such option. Just pay the right person a thousand pesos, choose from among the different subscriptions, gold, platinum, etc and he will climb up the utility line, rig a splitter right off someone elses' cable line (with the specified subscription) and voila! Cheap cable, he he

Impossible you say?? Illegal might be a better word, he he

10. Iron Master

Ironing clothes is one of the most energy demanding tasks in any home. Clothes iron run at about 1800 watts per hour. That's about P15 per hour and about P500 in additional electric bill every month if you spend an hour everyday ironing clothes.

Here's a cheaper alternative..

1.Buy a flat piece of roofing metal.

2.Place it on your roof or garden.

3.Bring it in every noon and 'iron' the clothes on it everyday.

4.Bring it out again if you need additional heat or better yet, iron the clothes outside.

So there you go. Practical, proven and highly applicable ways of saving money during financially troubled times. He he, feel free to add your suggestions.

	10 Creative and Proven Ways for Pinoys to Save Money