Counting Potatoes

BrainFreeze

It isn't easy dealing with brain freeze situations especially when you use your brain for a living. Nope, I have nothing against these brain freeze inducing people, most of the time they just can't help themselves. I'm just a tad obsessed about what type of data gets stuck in my overstressed brain. The lyrics of Renz Verano's song "remember me, ako ang ka phonepal mo/ I'm your phone pal" and "I shoot mo na ang ball" are bad enough as it is..

To purge myself of unwanted data, I'm committing these brain freeze situations to my blog in the hopes of finally releasing them from my positronic memory and into the wilderness of the World Wide Web, there to find new brain freeze hosts who will in turn inflict these brain freeze viruses to unsuspecting victims.

1. On Blackouts and Power Shortages

Power suddenly goes out plunging the house into darkness. Tia Caring (My Aunt) exclaims AY BROWNOUT! as if I or anyone else needed that fact verified (how can I tell when I cant see shit?! He he).

My father goes barging out of his room demanding an answer to the age old question.."What's behind the Blackout??!" (this is only seconds after the power went out).Mother is at a loss of what to say and offers her standard reply "Transformer Problem". Father grunts as if he accepts her explanation.

"It's a problem with the Electric Company" Aunt chirps in as if its a Game Show question. (choices: problem with a. Electric company, b. Water company, c. Phone company)

By this time, my brain has already undergone a system restart and is busy trying to scan for bad sectors. "Well, when's the electricity coming back??" follow up question from father... I ponder on this briefly and do another system restart counting brain cell casualties along the way.

Casureco (Local Power Company) should get a Twitter Account.. and my father should apply as a follower through SMS instead for hoping that my mom and aunt will turn psychic someday.

2. On Eating Out

Eating out.. An experience that's supposed to be relaxing can very easily turn into brain cell killing, synapse overloading, ESP inspiring exercises.

"so, where do you wanna eat?"

"anywhere that's good..."

"what particular food do you want to eat?"

"anything that's delicious..."

I can almost see guys evolving beyond homo sapiens whenever confronted with this situation - a fixed smile on the face while a pulse throbs near the temple, brain going overdrive at a gazillion computations per second and brain cells ejecting themselves through the ears like spent cartridges of a gatling gun.

3. On Watching Movies and News

There you are, faced glued to the screen, all attention focused on understanding what the characters are saying.. When suddenly your companion goes on Explainer Mode giving his opinions and theories on the plot/news.

Brain undergoes Mitosis as it tries to deal with two parallel tasks requiring immediate attention. One eye remains glued to the TV screen while the other tries its best to swivel towards your companion. Ears also switch to multiple directional listening and audio decoding like a Dolby 5.1 channel decoder.

Brain cells get caught in synapse crossfires. Mind goes into safe mode and restricts brain access to words having more than one syllable.

Hmmmmm....

Aahhhhhhh...

Ooohhhh??....

Aahhhhhhh...

4. On Window Shopping

Even the act of window shopping or book hunting can easily turn into brainfreeze moments as the salesladies go into their Bourne Identity / 007 routine whenever a new potential customer enters the store.

It usually begins with a tingling sensation at the back of your neck. You look up from the book you're checking out and your peripheral vision picks up a figure trying its best to blend into the background. (kinda like the terminator liquid metal robot)

You transfer to another row of books. Sees the saleslady giving out non verbal commands to other salesladies in the book section (fist do the pumping motion, sends the other salesladies scouting the right and left flank) like a damn platoon captain signaling his troops to spread out and engage.

Sales ladies moves to strategic positions and blends into their respective backgrounds. You pick another book and sees 3 pairs of eyes scanning its title.One saleslady then whispers updates into her lapel mike as you move around again while the other one tail you around like a shadow - pausing to blend in the background whenever you stop and turn around.

By this time, you've become very paranoid - involuntarily checking out potential escape points and threats, wishing with all your heart that you've taken the time to strap explosives to your chest and a detonator on your hand just to see how they will react when you tear off your coat. He he, DIE YOU INFIDELS!!

5. On Jeepney Rides

Cram 18 people into a 1m x 3m long public transport vehicle, a 30 minute bumpy ride and what do you get?

Boredom in its purest, original and unaldurated form!

Like it or not, you're going to take your turn peeking at and studying the other people in the jeep while playing pass the coins to and from the driver.

The rules of the game are simple.A braincell dies for every instance of the following..

A. A man picks his nose and flicks the particle in a general direction.

B. You wonder where that particle went.

C. A woman tugs her miniskirt down.

D. A woman forgets about the hairs in her armpit while suddenly making a grab for the handlebars.

E. Someone smelly steps aboard.

F. Luck has it, that someone smelly sits right next to you making you smell like turkish beef all day long.

G. A Snoring head ends up on your shoulder.

H. The Snoring head drools in between lip smacking from contentment and you endure the rest of the ride with someone breathing in your ear.

I. Driver insists there's space for one more passenger. (fails to add that everyone will need to sit with just one butt cheek touching the bench)

J. Free bench space appears everytime the driver stomps on the brakes.

6. On Christmas Carollers

A little more than 2 Weeks from now, these Christmas carolers will start roaming the streets. Unlike those jolly, talented and cute carolers you see in the movies spreading holiday cheer however, these pinoy carolers use the trick or treat mentality to bring out the spirit of giving in people.

Christmas here is spent listening to endless joyless reruns of a song that starts with"Sa may bahay ang aming bati..." accompanied by the sound of tin cans and bottle caps.In the end you pay not for the joy their songs inspire but the blessed peace the silence that their departure brings.

If I sound too cold hearted, consider the fact that these children are very much aware that their singing is actually a form of holding peace in hostage. In fact, they are counting on it to pressure some poor old guy into 'buying' their silence because the moment a coin drops into their waiting palms, they'll stop in midsong and be out of your hair faster than you can say don't come back.

Sometimes I sing with them just to give them a dose of their own medicine (they will usually stop in stunned silence and mutter among themselves). Years ago, On a sadistic mood, I even hosed them down with my air gun (ehe he). Most times we just stay very silent hoping to tire them out. Needless to say, I end up with less functional braincells after every Christmas Season.

7. On Younger Siblings with Brain Freeze Abilities

One of the main causes of brain cell kamikazes. This type of attack is purposely geared for maximum and brain cell damage.

Mobile phone beeps a reminder alarm early in the morning. Reads "Tie a yellow ribbon around the turtle's intestine". Brain struggles to make sense out of statement - a thousand cells sacrifice themselves in the process.

Fresh, rested and just about to start work several days later when my eye was attracted to a new entry on the whiteboard. "Poke a needle through the camel's eye. "Tried to shutdown brain before it tried to process the trap - instant migraine - could hear the seven gun salute for newly martyred brain cells all day long.

Add the whiteboard messages recently

"The early worm is inside the apple",

"One hair a day keeps the bears away"

and a drawing of her anime concept

"Snail Man" - a man with the body of a snail..

and you'll understand why my brain can't stop itself from churning out silly blog ideas for the past few days,

She's the anti-mind. The destroyer of sentience and sanity. The bane of reason and logic.

So I'm slowly moving from serious content writing to simple blogging where I hope to earn my keep one click at a time - just when Adsense PPC is about to buy the farm.

Thank God for small blessings though, Havent heard the Deal or No Deal show for several days now. Wheel of Fortune seems to be finally over and Game Ka Na Ba is now hosted by Edu Manzano.

Those shows should've been preceded by a brain surgeon's warning.

	BrainFreeze