Counting Potatoes

Reflections on the AH1N1 Virus

A few weeks ago, I wrote about not trusting the government about being able to control the AH1N1 outbreak. I hate it when i'm right. Now people left are right are finding themselves infected with the said virus with even one finding out about it while hovering over his own body on the autopsy table.

What's almost funny about it all is the fact that our department of health is always trying to play down the impact of this virus. Like a damned irritating optimist caught with its finger in the proverbial dike, trying to keep everyone calm while the sea reclaims the land.

When the virus still hasnt entered our country: "Ah we got it all under control and we are strictly monitoring everyone who enters the country".

When the first few cases were discovered: "Ah we got it all under control and we are putting everyone who came into contact with them under strict quarantine"

When the confirmed cases ballooned to a hundred: " fortunately only the mild strain entered our country, dengue is far more potent than this. [as if the lower mortality rate was any consolation and the much faster propagation of AH1N1 over dengue was an unimportant point]"

When confirmed cases reached more than 500: "Ah this is because people are more aware now and more are having themselves tested." Followed by an announcement that says "because of the dwindling stocks of AH1N1 testers, only the very young, sick or old will be tested. The rest should just quarantine themselves at home.." O_o

I wonder how far DOH is gonna go with all this optimistic bullshit..

Perhaps if the virus infects more than half our population and Manila starts looking like a ghost town they will say: "Ahh.. at least there will be less traffic on the streets, and less crime too" or "Ah, we are confident that pretty soon everyone will have AH1N1 virus and the fear of being infected with it is gonna go away.. after that things will get back pretty much to the way they were before"

And when people starts dropping dead left and right, perhaps they will say "Ah, this is only Darwin's theory of natural selection at work and pretty soon all that will be left are filipinos with very strong immune systems, making for a healthier country" or "Ah, not to worry, the government is confident that it has enough public lands to ensure that everyone dead gets buried"

And when only a fourth of our population is left, perhaps our government will boast: "Ah, we are proud to announce that the overpopulation problem as well as the traffic problem has finally been solved due to the diligence of our public offices" or "We are proud to announce that poverty rate is down by 50%, crime rate is down by 70% and illiteracy rate by 60%"

and when most everyone is dead or dying: "Ah, polution is significantly reduced and the threat of global warming is erradicated"

As such, I think we are pretty much on our own on this one. So i've compiled some simple tips and strategies everyone can apply to minimize the risk of being infected by the AH1N1 virus.

- Everytime you hear someone sneeze or cough in a public place, whip out a weird looking gadget [anything with an LCD screen except a cellphone will do] and a fake authentic looking badge and ask in a loud voice.. "WHO WAS THAT?" .. Then whip out your cellphone and say "I THINK WE GOT A POSSIBLE CASE HERE, REQUESTING BACKUP AND EXTRACTION UNITS". You can bet your ass no one is going to dare sneeze or cough after that.

- Better yet, always bring a flamethrower around. when someone sneezes or coughs within your immediate area, whip it out, point upwards and press the trigger. As soon as you get their attention through your amazing pyrotechnic display, say in a loud voice "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

- or you could also go around sneezing and coughing loudly while speaking loudly over the phone about your trip to Mexico, how you feel very crappy and weak and how your relatives are dying like flies. People will give you a wide berth in this case.

- Or maybe we should should just start thinking bout going around in austronaut suits, or diving suits, or fireman suits or whatever.. Public conversations will start sounding like endless reruns of Star Wars III - VI with us going "Hello, I'd like to order... KHAAAAHHHH... Cheeseburger.. KHAAAAAHHHH.... "

- As for those who cant afford to buy these suits, washing machine or refrigerator boxes with cutouts covered with plastic should be enough. Better to look bad or stupid walking around in a damn cardboard box than good and dead in a coffin eh?

	Reflections on the AH1N1 Virus