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* note: This does not apply to All pinoy movies. Some of them are actually very good.
On Characters:
A. Main Character must either have poker face [if action movie] or funny face [if comedy].
Notes:
1. Flabby action stars are ok but minimize running and rolling scenes in the movie as it might end up diminishing the heroic look of hero.
2. Hero must be poor, to gain instant sympathy from our target audience [tucked in shirts, fitted pants, belt buckles and brown shoes]
3. For some reason, ladies in the movie will find this flabby guy attractive [please look for possibles in pinoy big brother auditions]
B. Bad Character Must Have Evil Laugh [with maniacal eyes to match]. [video recording attached, please practice the antagonist on this]
C. Funny sidekick [preferably gay] (don't explain why hero wants to hang out with this guy)
D. Leading Lady [maria clara type, spitting mad at the hero at the start of the story but fucks him like a rabbit near the end. Please see sex scence notes]
E. Goons and Syndicates - contact numbers of guys who always play this part attached in separate document. They will already know the good guy - bad guy routine.
On Props:
- Defective Bullets and Magical Guns: none of the lesser bad guys should hit main character no matter if this is beyond the realm of real life statistics and if a gazillion guns are pointed at him- as usual tell them to aim for hero's feet. Good guy's gun should be fitted with the infinite bullets magazine [thank God no one in the audience knows how to count] and homing bullets [one that kills 3 bad guys for every single shot]
- Old Cars and Warehouse Hideouts: Tell producers that we don't have enough budget to use new cars in movies for supposedly 'filthy rich and powerful' bad guys. Please check stockroom or buy and sell for cheap old cars for sale instead [this will be used in car chases and exploding car scenes in the movie]. No exploding cars during car chases please, they are too expensive to create - explode car while stationary instead - use toy car if possible.
Also please contact the owner of regular warehouse we use as headquarters for the bad guys and the setting for the final battle scene. Wakwak mansions are too expensive to rent [let's hope the audience doesnt know any better].
Don't forget the pancit prop the hero brings to his child's bday just before their house gets hosed by the bad guys. [scatter the pancit over the child's bloody body as this will enrage the audience]
On Special Effects:
- Bad Guys Dance when Shot and Flies when punched by good guy. Please contact regular choreographer for this and practice the bad guys crew in flying and dancing. Rehearsal scheduled before actual shot.
- Stomach Punches el Rapido with Ear Clapping Finale. [audience loves this for some reason although it defies logic why someone will just stand there and take a hundred punches to the tummy and still wait for the ear clapping finale] No matter, contact actor if his arthritis still permits this move. On second thought.. Is this actor still around?
On Plot:
Below is a checklist of different plots or twists you can use for the movie or to make the TV series longer than it originally was if it gets good ratings.
- Amnesia: wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Good idea to insert new characters on this part. No permanent amnesias please.
- Kidnap: May be done before amnesia or to give main character the catalyst to go after the bad guys near the end. The Kidnapping needs not have a good reason behind it. Just get the girl or whatever and see what develops from there.
- babies get switched: a very 'good twist' for the movie although it seems a little obvious from the start [by the way, check with researcher if this happens often in our country].
- lockets, necklace, ring, diary, etc that holds the answer to main character's life. [suggestion that main character will pawn her necklace to buy a new 3G cellphone is rejected, who sent this?]
- Extremes: super rich vs. ultra poor is a proven strategy although the president's daughter falling for the poor blind guy who plays the guitar in an overpass and doesnt take a bath might be a bit unrealistic.
- Vendetta: Have the poor maltreated underdog win the jackpot lotto, inherit wealth from a distant relative or marry some old dying geezer to turn the tables somewhere in the middle of the movie. Don't show scenes where the underdog goes on a wild eyed shopping spree frenzy in divisoria. Underdog must be sophisticated, calm and composed when she meets her tormentor, plus she will also be able to speak in straight english.
Scenes:
- Instant aging of characters - character sits in the toilet as a kid, stands up to wash her butt as a young woman or rides a jeepney as an eight year old and come down as an eighty year old. Think up of a good transformation scene and send me your ideas. Do you think a little girl's armpits suddenly growing hairs with a camera pan showing a beautiful grown woman plucking the armpit hairs in front of the mirror is a good idea? Or how about a young girl picking her nose? Close up on the booger, pan out and show a young woman daintily rolling and flicking the booger?
- One of the bad guys is always around when someone confesses a secret: yes even when that secret is told in a confessional booth - bad guy should either be the priest or pretending to be a statue on top of confessional booth. Ps. Don't forget the evil smile as bad guy listens and discovers secret.
- Someone falls off the stairs: Dramatic way of getting rid of someone important in movie. Stairs should be made of concrete or marble and not wood and should be composed of more than 3 steps. Please dont forget camera pan focusing on facial expression of character as she falls down. Do a slow motion if possible but dont give the falling character a script.
- Someone has to die first before the good guy becomes enraged. Dying person says 1 page script before dying. Dying person SHOULD be someone of importance to main character. The scene with the laundry woman dying in the arms of her master telling him about remaining spin cycles and where the hangers are stored was scratched from our script.
- Song and Dance Portion: There is nothing wrong with a macho, bad ass, no nonsense type of hero doing a song and dance portion on the beach with his lady and hundreds of other beach goers. Even macho guys get overwhelmed by emotions sometimes, although in real life he would have to kill himself afterwards because of the shame.
- Bullets run out so the good and bad guy have to fight hand to hand combat. Why this is so is a mystery the film school didnt explain. Maybe there's just something very sellable with two macho guys groping each other, tumbling on the floor with their sweat dripping on each other and breathing on each other's face.
- Leading Man and Leading Lady Run Together in Slow motion as Background Explodes: This shot is a must as 30% of the budget is tied in the explosives in this scene. Use three cameras to capture the scene and show all in movie. No cuts, no retakes even if all three cameras show the love handles of the hero flapping up and down as he runs.
- Nude Scenes: Of course, no action movie is complete without some sweaty, glazed eyed, moan filled, slow motion errotic bed scene. Special care must be taken to ensure that the scene makes it through the censors though. So a. only one breast or one nipple should be visible at any one time, b. No pubic hair or shadows of pubic hairs are to be shown c. Focus on characters' glaze eyed faces and confusing entwined body parts instead of the sensitive parts and d. Even if it defies reality and logic combined, the guy should be fixated at kissing the girl, her neck, her ears and anywhere else instead of her breasts. No sucking of the nipple please!! This doesnt happen in movies!
Finally, have the hero and leading lady sing the movie's theme song in a popular TV show even if they both don't know how to sing. Promote the controversial [and unrealistic] sex scene in the movie, sit back and wait for the bucks to roll in. Never mind if its a complete waste of a powerful educational media or if its the damn tail wagging the media dog. In this industry, the only God is the one you keep in your wallet.
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