Counting Potatoes

The Perfect Last Bite

For some people, eating is much like refueling a car.. they gas up and speed out - doing whatever it is they were doing before the meal..

And yet for some - eating is an exercise in philosophy - an affirmation of life - a journey to a higher state of being culminating in the perfect last bite..

It may be the choicest chicken skin of a piece of fried chicken [chicken ass for me], bits of buttered assorted veggies with a piece of beef with gravy on top or a representative last piece of a great burger - no matter what it is, it's the summation of a meal and losing it to someone else [like someone grabbing the choicest last piece of chicken skin] could ruin the whole experience..

On deeper reflection, the perfect last bite is much like what most people envision for their lives - some call it saving the best for last such as traveling around the world with a loved companion after retirement.. Some call it the bucket list like doing the things you've always wanted to do but never got around to doing.. and yet some call it the last hurrah - a cry of defiance against mortality and time..

The funny thing is.. most people never get around to savoring their perfect last bite.. Days merge into years and the years into decades and we live our lives always thinking that there will be enough time to fix everything right for that last bite.. before you know it, its too late.. too late to undo the things you've done.. too late to work for the things that really matters in the end.. too late to heal broken relationships.. too late for change.. life, it seems, isn't much like a meal and the best that you can do is to try your best to make each and every bite as perfect as possible.. should you be lucky enough to be given time for that perfect last bite - savor it because you're one of the chosen few..

Here's to a perfect last bite for everyone.. ^^

	The Perfect Last Bite

Basic Needs

2,000 years ago to about 20 years ago, when you were asked what basic needs were.. you go.. food.., shelter..., and clothing... and that was that.. teacher gives you that attaboy look.. you feel a warm glow inside.. and we all keep telling ourselves that yeah.. just in case the world goes to the shitters.. As long as there's food, shelter and clothing, then everything's A-ok..

then again.. someone from 3000 years ago or earlier might beg to disagree.. the bushmen living somewhere in africa might go uh-uh... nope.. we might not be able to live without food.. but we can go without shelter and without clothing pretty fine.. gramps and his gramps before him went around butt naked all the time and that was fine, they sure as hell didnt need a sissy thing such as a roof over their heads too.. for them.. Basic needs are as follows... Food, food and more food... preferably those that dont bite our balls off.. so clothing and shelter? these are just additions when man became a bit more civilized..

should you ask now.. What are the basic needs? Most would probably still automatically reply.. Food, shelter and
clothing! and yeah.. We'd all think that the answer's pretty much the same.. think deeply though.. Is it?

And since clothing and shelter, as discussed above, are more of a matter of convenience than survival anyway.. one cannot be blamed if this list is stretched a little to 5 basic needs.. or maybe 10.. or 20.. the list is pretty much busted anyway.. and the fool who made it didnt even think of water, he he..

Hmm... So what do we add?

1. Toilet with flush and running water: try crapping in the dirt and wiping your ass with leaves for a month and you'll know what i mean.. And if you dont want to include this in your basic needs list, well its your ass and your crap.

2. Computer and internet: It's funny.. 20 years ago the world just got along fine without computers and the internet.. Take out these two today and it would be like cutting the heart out the planet.. Personally i think i'd go crazy within a month without a computer and an internet connection.. first and foremost.. No job.. so i'd go hungry within a month.. 2 days after that i'd probably be eating our dog.. secondly.. no investments.. bye bye websites.. that pretty much fucks up my future.. lastly, no entertainment.. no online communites to mess with.. no online video clips.. no blogs to read.. no japanese.. ehem... Mangga..

3. Cigs: most people will define time as 'before armageadon' and 'after armageodon' .. For me it would probably be ' life before cig supply runs out' and 'life after cig supply runs out'.. some people will have similar quirks.. beer.. junkfood.. sushi.. And they'll probably have their own doomsday countdown.. in any case, you'll be able to distinguish them easily enough.. they'll be the walking twitching dead.. He he

4. Electric fan/aircon: God save me from a post doomsday world without electric fan or aircon.. O_o a week without it and i'd probably be reduced to a mumbling idiot with half my brains fried.. then again.. i could find a way to catch my own slaves.. Hook a car battery up to a threadmill machine, load the slaves and power the damn things using a power inverter.. He he.. Talk about people power!:D

5. Soap: imagine a world without soap.. Imagine living everyday with that slimy greasy feeling of being unwashed.. imagine being able to smell yourself before you sleep at night.. imagine your fingernails filling with body dirt everytime you scratch yourself.. now imagine being the first to raid a mall out of all its soap after doomsday.. tell me.. Aint soap a basic need? :D

6. And while we're at it, i might just as well add fastfood to the list. I've read post armageadon novels about humans subsisting on nanopills because all the animals have died.. Or remember the matrix where humans have to subsist on slimy oatmeal like goo? Aint for me! I'd rather be one of those toasted in the fireball than be a post doomsday goo eating human.. at the very least, i hope doomsday leaves the chicken alone.. cant imagine a world without fried chicken thighs and drumsticks... and wings..

....

.....

This has turned out to be a pretty crappy list.. all the above things connotes that not pretty much have changed with the post doomsday world.. And I can still think of many more i'd like to add..

I think my list of things not included on the basic needs will be much shorter.. @.@

	Basic Needs

Frozen Train

A term used in the novel im reading which describes a train stranded in the middle of nowhere because everyone who's supposed to be running it have decided to just abandon it along with all its passengers..

The novel is a story about the corruption of man's values, principles and morals. It tells the tale of a corrupt world's slow but inevitable journey towards anarchy and self destruction - of how the men of mind went on strike against those who preach about self sacrifice and the surrender of reason..

Frozen train.. For some reason, this brings to mind the countless filipino nurses, doctors, engineers and teachers building their futures not on our country but on distant lands.. It brings to mind promising new graduates boarding planes to build prosperous another country. Lastly, it brings into mind the long line of brains stretching off into the far future waiting for their own turn to jump off a sinking ship..

It's the exodus of brains.. the exodus of meaningful change.. The exodus of hope and dreams.. leaving behind a country ruled more and more by the fickle mob..

Frozen train.. In the novel, the men of brains came back only after the last light was extinguished in New York.

It would take much more than that to bring our best people back.

	Frozen Train

My Daily Symphony

Living just accross a big highschool as well as right beside a busy road can be very stressful. In fact, people who are not accustomed to the sounds of the city often find sleeping in our house a traumatic experience or at worst, an experience that can drive them to the brink of madness.

I call these sounds my daily symphony - something I take with my morning coffee (or nowadays milo), live with at work everyday and read by at night. It's not all noise from cars, tricycles and scooters even. Like music from an orchestra, my daily symphony is composed of different melodies coming from entirely different instruments.

It starts with the flag ceremony. Having a highschool just accross our house, our day begins as if we have never left school - we wake up daily to the sound of the Philippine national anthem followed by other nationalistic songs (Pilipinas kong mahal, etc) and morning prayers. Sometimes we even listen to the rantings of their irate principal over the PA system.

If that doesnt wake me up, then the sound of metal grills sliding up as the drugstore, the computer shop or the office opens up does. This goes hand in hand with the sound of the janitor or metroaid sweeping the street.

Then the kalamay vendor goes by.. "kutsiiintaaaa... kalamaaaaayyy" in her singsong voice. There's something weird about this lady though, she has been selling kalamay since i was a kid and it seems she hasnt aged a day.. O_o (twilight zone music)

Then the scrap metal/bottle collectors go by... "plastik bakal BOwwTIIIIIII!!".. There are 3 of them that go by at different times of the day but only one way of shouting their services.. must be a part of the same company.. :D

By this time there's already a considerable amount of traffic on the road and we get treated to different kinds of engine sounds from different vehicles in different states of disrepair. One by one, the parked cars join the ruckus as they head off their destinations - one of them has a faulty carburator.

Then the highschool band starts its practice. Every year, they, and we, get to learn a different song - this year it's 'Hot Stuff'. Sometimes during peak competition season, they practice all day and I could hear their music even in my dreams.

Come afternoon, parades, motorcades or processions would go by. These can be about new businesses having their grand openings or anniversaries, alumni homecomings, foundation days of schools, funeral processions or nowadays, campaign vehicles of political aspirants blaring out their songs.

'siya si nansing nansing nansing alfelor!'

or

'jojohnan ta ka!'

or

'villafuerte! Siya mahigus na congressman!'

Come night time when you'd expect things to die down a little, the drag races of naga would commence and scooters/cars with modified mufflers would start roaring down the street. Drunks would also start walking home shouting their lungs out and spoiling for a fight.

Sometimes, an air bubble would find its way to our neighbor across the street's head while drinking and he'd start ranting about how he hates priests, how he hates our barrangay captain, etc. Sometimes he'd just fight with his brother or father or mother.

Then the garbage truck would start making its rounds with its signature song 'truck ini, apunan nin basura nindo truck ini (based on the tragedy song of the beegees) and the distinct sounds of empty large trashbins being dumped on the sidewalk.

Sometime past midnight, my mind would just shut down and isolate itself from the bedlam outside. After more than 20 years living here, one find ways to cope with the situation.

Now, what's weird for me is the absence of noise. I've slept several times over at Carolina or my sister's house in Canaman and the silence, the croaking frogs, the chirping insects just freaks me out.

It's not natural... O_o

Thank God for home sweet home.. ^_^

	My Daily Symphony

Reflections on Historical Romances

I'm an avid reader of historical novels. Some girls I know are avid readers of historical romances. For them, there's something about the olden days that adds to the 'kilig' factor or the sweetness of romance stories. Knights and princesses.. Castles and horses, jousts and medieval parties.. Etc, etc...

One of my favorites past times is to burst these 'kilig' / romantic bubbles.. to be more precise, to scrape away the thin layer of romance in order to show what reality must've been beneath.. there's just something very fullfiling about watching their eyes go from googoo its soo romantic to wide eyed disbelief and disgust, he he he..

For instance...

A scene where the knight and the lady rides for days and make love in some secluded glade may seem romantic..

Consider though the fact that these people havent taken a bath for several days and the description - the smell of earth - about the man takes on a whole new meaning..

The smell of earth... O_o

more likely, the smell of undeodorized armpit perspiration dripping on your face as the unwashed knight humps you like there's no tomorrow.. Ha ha ha!

Now think about the unwashed smell of earth down there... O_o

The women in these historical romances are also almost always portrayed the same way... Dainty.. Long haired.. with gorgeous eyes.. beautiful..

What these novels dont say however is how hairy their armpits are! There were no shaving razors 700 years ago so i imagine these are quite bushy.. O_o i'll stick to the women of my century thank you..

Add to this the fact that most people back then takes a bath only once a year using perfumes to mask the smell of their unwashed bodies..

And the fact that people of the same household take turns using the SAME bathwater..

And the fact that by the age of 30, most people have no teeth left, women have sagging boobs, and most everyone has graying hair..

And the fact that people have no notion of bathroom tissues or any kind of ass wipe back then - carrying around remnants of their pooh around..

And you just might wonder what the hell is soo romantic about all of it? He he

Ruining googoo eyed girls' notions of historical romances is a thankless job - which is quite fine by me. He he he, it's not the thank you note im after.

	Reflections on Historical Romances

Happy Marbles IV

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	Happy Marbles IV

Jabu Total War

Having completed subjugating the Scots, the Irish, the Spanish, French, Portuguese and Moorish empires north from Inverness to Timbuktu in the far Affrican south. I have continued my relentless and bloody conquest eastwards towards the lands of Hungary, Italy and Poland, far north from Oslo to Iraklion and Rhodes in the South - I leave behind me the wake of massacred populations and broken mighty armies.

Now, I stand in the threshold of asia minor - secured constantinople against the mongols in Nicaea across the thin body of water with 5 mighty armies and with 4 more crack armies marching eastwards to secure the last stronghold of Russia as well as drive downwards to begin my invasion of the Turkish Empire.

On the Far east, having conquered Jerusalem, Baghdad and Egypt and having paid the bloody price of turning back the Timurid Hordes, my armies stand at Antioch, Adana and Mosul to complete my pincher maneuver towards obliterating the last 3 empires ( Turks, Sicilians and Mongols ) standing between me and total world domination.

All of Western Europe have long been conquered and have enjoyed several decades of peace and prosperity under my rule. I have long since converted its mighty castles to vast and prosperous cities to stimulate growth and trade to fuel my vast army. I have joined Crusades against heathen nations, have been excommunicated and had my lands be the object of Crusades. I have ground once powerful armies of different nations to dust and had millions of my soldiers pay the price.

Now that total domination is near.. I wonder.. would I be remembered as the Emperor who brought peace to the people? Or the tyrant who has placed all of the known world in chains?..

It's almost over...

and soon, i will ask my little sister to uninstall the game so I can get back to my long forgotten work... O_o

but wait..

someone has discovered that the world is round!...

Americas.. here i come! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

All Hail Mighty King Jabu!!!

(uninstall?.. not yet my little sister... not yet, he he he)

	Jabu Total War

Reflections on the AH1N1 Virus

A few weeks ago, I wrote about not trusting the government about being able to control the AH1N1 outbreak. I hate it when i'm right. Now people left are right are finding themselves infected with the said virus with even one finding out about it while hovering over his own body on the autopsy table.

What's almost funny about it all is the fact that our department of health is always trying to play down the impact of this virus. Like a damned irritating optimist caught with its finger in the proverbial dike, trying to keep everyone calm while the sea reclaims the land.

When the virus still hasnt entered our country: "Ah we got it all under control and we are strictly monitoring everyone who enters the country".

When the first few cases were discovered: "Ah we got it all under control and we are putting everyone who came into contact with them under strict quarantine"

When the confirmed cases ballooned to a hundred: " fortunately only the mild strain entered our country, dengue is far more potent than this. [as if the lower mortality rate was any consolation and the much faster propagation of AH1N1 over dengue was an unimportant point]"

When confirmed cases reached more than 500: "Ah this is because people are more aware now and more are having themselves tested." Followed by an announcement that says "because of the dwindling stocks of AH1N1 testers, only the very young, sick or old will be tested. The rest should just quarantine themselves at home.." O_o

I wonder how far DOH is gonna go with all this optimistic bullshit..

Perhaps if the virus infects more than half our population and Manila starts looking like a ghost town they will say: "Ahh.. at least there will be less traffic on the streets, and less crime too" or "Ah, we are confident that pretty soon everyone will have AH1N1 virus and the fear of being infected with it is gonna go away.. after that things will get back pretty much to the way they were before"

And when people starts dropping dead left and right, perhaps they will say "Ah, this is only Darwin's theory of natural selection at work and pretty soon all that will be left are filipinos with very strong immune systems, making for a healthier country" or "Ah, not to worry, the government is confident that it has enough public lands to ensure that everyone dead gets buried"

And when only a fourth of our population is left, perhaps our government will boast: "Ah, we are proud to announce that the overpopulation problem as well as the traffic problem has finally been solved due to the diligence of our public offices" or "We are proud to announce that poverty rate is down by 50%, crime rate is down by 70% and illiteracy rate by 60%"

and when most everyone is dead or dying: "Ah, polution is significantly reduced and the threat of global warming is erradicated"

As such, I think we are pretty much on our own on this one. So i've compiled some simple tips and strategies everyone can apply to minimize the risk of being infected by the AH1N1 virus.

- Everytime you hear someone sneeze or cough in a public place, whip out a weird looking gadget [anything with an LCD screen except a cellphone will do] and a fake authentic looking badge and ask in a loud voice.. "WHO WAS THAT?" .. Then whip out your cellphone and say "I THINK WE GOT A POSSIBLE CASE HERE, REQUESTING BACKUP AND EXTRACTION UNITS". You can bet your ass no one is going to dare sneeze or cough after that.

- Better yet, always bring a flamethrower around. when someone sneezes or coughs within your immediate area, whip it out, point upwards and press the trigger. As soon as you get their attention through your amazing pyrotechnic display, say in a loud voice "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

- or you could also go around sneezing and coughing loudly while speaking loudly over the phone about your trip to Mexico, how you feel very crappy and weak and how your relatives are dying like flies. People will give you a wide berth in this case.

- Or maybe we should should just start thinking bout going around in austronaut suits, or diving suits, or fireman suits or whatever.. Public conversations will start sounding like endless reruns of Star Wars III - VI with us going "Hello, I'd like to order... KHAAAAHHHH... Cheeseburger.. KHAAAAAHHHH.... "

- As for those who cant afford to buy these suits, washing machine or refrigerator boxes with cutouts covered with plastic should be enough. Better to look bad or stupid walking around in a damn cardboard box than good and dead in a coffin eh?

	Reflections on the AH1N1 Virus

Changing Paradigms

lights are closed and silence walked the night.. a sob and a muffled tearful voice penetrated through the haze of my drowsiness..

Pre, ang bukas ba tinatadhana ng panahon.. O bakas lamang ng kahapon? / Is tommorow dictated by fate.. or just footprints of yesterday?..

it's my college room mate mourning over a recent break up.. and my mind went from happily drowsy to O_o wtf??! mode, that godawful cheesy question shouldnt be thrown at someone just about to fall into slumber's sweet embrace.. contemplated pretending to be already asleep but what the hell...

sigh... bro.. just decide forget her.. put all your relationship's shit in a box where you can't see it, throw it away and flirt with that cute girl you were telling me about in your class.. DONT wallow in your pathethic bullshit ok?..

to which he pitifully replied: i want to die

bro, a year from now, you're going to look back to today and feel really really corny and stupid..

i've never been much of a fan of emotional theatrics.. And i figured it was my job to drench him with cold water in this case.. And whadyouknow.. He listened..

He boxed up her things, moved on and less than a year after, he was back to his cheesy/horny self, he he..

I guess even the most painful of heartbreaks become a lot more bearable when you really believe the paradigm that time will heal the wounds, that it wont always hurt as badly as when it was still fresh. That's why i always take the time to remember some of my extremely mushy/drama laden highschool stories when faced by similar circumstances. It's hard to wallow in self pity when you're cringing in self disgust at the same time, ehe he

anyways, on a lighter note..

Setting is 3 years after, different room mate, different boarding house and different story. It's about as far from a love story as you can get but it packed the same paradigm shift experience.. for me this time..

See my room mate suffered from polio when he was a kid. Thus, he walks with a pronounced limp and tires very easily. But if you think that makes him the type that's meek or shy or introverted, you couldnt be further from the truth.. He is one of the funniest, outspoken and prank driven guys i've ever come across. but that's not the paradigm shift here..

It started the evening before with an intense craving for an egg sandwich for breakfast. We went out to purchase the necessary ingredients including a dozen eggs. Boiled the eggs, mixed it with mayo and other stuff. Readied the sliced bread and coffee. Slept early. Eagerly ate our super special egg sandwich and coffee breakfast and was off to the jeepney stop across the road to get a ride to school.

one of mayo's main ingredients is egg.. and we added a dozen more eggs on top of that. plus the coffee and cream.. As we were standing there waiting for the jeep, the forces of darkness were gathering within our tummies.. I could feel the vortex of the storm turning, expanding, rumbling.. little beads of perspiration began popping out my forehead.. I glanced at my friend and saw my own urgent dilema reflected there.. And perhaps in that instant, we both thought of the same thing.. There's only one toilet bowl for the two of us..

Both of us started running full speed at the same time.. I was laughing demonically/hysterically all the while, shouting.. You can't catch up boy! Wa ha ha ha! You and your limp! Wa ha ha! And he was huffing and puffing behind me.

i can never fully explain how he was able to run so fast... It was like he tilted his body forward, with his feet churning like little whirlwinds behind him.. he was like a steam engined locomotive.. building momentum.. Unstoppable.. the next thing i knew, he overtook me and my demonical laughter turned to disbelieving wails of anguish... How???! Whhyyy??!

when i got to our room, he was already inside the toilet.. i could hear gurgling and splattering and he was laughing his ass off... I was reduced to begging him finish faster so i can have my turn.. Serves me right for my previous paradigm against disabled people.. sigh..

Then again, sometimes our paradigm shifts are not all that sudden. Sometimes it takes months, even years. It grows on us, changing our perceptions day by day, until we wake up one day wondering how the hell did we get here. These are the paradigm shifts that usually impacts us the most. The ones that gets etched in our beings, defining our lives.

Like waking up one day, realizing that you have become a full fledged parent. Caring for one little life more than you ever did to yourself or any other person you loved. Mostly tearing your hair out in frustration but also wondering how you ever did without seeing him sleep peacefully beside you at night.. or hear him laugh..

Or suddenly remembering someone you love and has said goodbye, finally smiling, thanking God that no matter how painful it is to lose someone you love, the richness of joy in your life and the memories is well worth the pain.

Or having your fingers hover midair over your keyboard, the realization that you've grown up, have to earn your own keep and striking out to make your own story in this world, washing over you like cold water. No more allowances, no more summer breaks, cramming for exams and the such. Now you have to build, to work, to save with whatever tools and skills you have accumulated over the years. It may scare the shit out of us most of the time but then again, most of who came this way probably felt the same way too and they did just fine.

Or maybe life's paradigm shift can be as simple as realizing that love isnt just a complex web of feelings, emotions and descriptions.. but a verb, a decision and a reflection of the love we have for ourselves and the growth in maturity that comes with time.

you may feel like giving up now, but believe that things will always look better tomorrow or maybe the next year...

that every wind of change carries with it a seed of happiness that could grow if only you'd recognize it for what it is..

that problems cannot be solved in the same level of thinking that got us into it in the first place...

that quarrels, misunderstandings and fights are mostly driven by hurt and pride.. and recognizing it is already half the solution..

that every problem we have, ever had and will have in the future will always have a common denominator... us and how we look at things.. and the gulf between looking at it as opportunities for growth or another burden to carry can make a world of difference..

a half empty glass is always half full..

We can't always choose the things that happen in our lives.. but we can choose the paradigms by how we see them..

	Changing Paradigms

RoadTrip

Nothing is constant but change
and in this roadtrip we're all on
nothing is certain but the little bumps, roadside glitches, minor sometimes major accidents and crossroads we've to come across or experience..

like a stray dog that suddenly decides to cross the road and ends up jammed and dying on your front wheel..

or little speed humps that rattle your brain when caught unaware..

or a truck with a drowsy driver smashing into your rear bumper..

or an unexpected turn somewhere leaving your out in the middle of nowhere without gas..

it maybe that most of us already have a specific route in mind..
a roadmap, expected landmarks, fixed turn-offs..
all leading to a particular destination..
and more than anything else, we wish to drive steadily and unfailingly towards it. eyes on the road, foot on the pedal, sure hands on the wheel, and lips mouthing a silent prayer..

O God, I hope nothing unexpected happens..

and most trips usually do.. most people end up where they want to, basically the same save for windblown hair and a few hours of boredom..

but ever so often, fate decides to take the wheel and plow us right into a tree.. or a stray dog.. or maybe it just takes us on a ride to somewhere else..

like a side road we've never intended to take..

or an opportunity to help someone who has been in an accident..

or a breathtaking view of a mountain you have seen all your life...

or a vivid and colorful rainbow that makes you pull over the road and just stare at it in wonder...

a movie line goes..
life is not about the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away..

some of us journey with the windows closed.. to see the world only when stepping out at the destination.. realizing too late that the ride was half the trip..

some stare out the window for the whole duration of the ride.. waiting for something extraordinary to happen.. never realizing that extraordinary isnt out there but in our capacity to see.. to recognize extraordinary in the most mundane of things..

and yet some just happen to be looking out the window at the right place and time.. going on with their lives.. thinking bout the rainbow they've once seen..

no matter what the case may be, when fate takes over the wheel - remember to keep your eyes open..

what happens next may not exactly be what you had in mind.. but you can bet your ass that every single second will define your life..

here's to everyone on the road...

	RoadTrip

Should Hayden be the Next National Hero?: Aftershocks of the Katrina Halili Scandal

The Katrina Halili scandal became officialy available in the internet this week and one could almost hear the whole country's internet backbone groan in complaint of the massive surge of recent traffic. Ironically, while the representative groups, the religious and political leaders of our country are indignantly condemming the perversion of all perversions that is the sex scandal, the rest of the country are scrambling all over the internet looking for download and video streaming sites containing the said scandalous and perverted video.

Surprisingly too, girls seems to be as interested and sometimes even more determined to find the video than guys. I could hear them giggling beside me in the internet cafe as they viewed, discected and discussed the different positions shown on the clip as well as the size and rigidity of something I wasnt too eager to know more about. I suspect that for girls, scandal videos are the ulmitate reality show. The most juicy [figuratively] and basest of all tube shows that shows a woman that must be going through the worst moment in her life. And while guys don't generally care if they watch the video muted or not [don't ask why, he he], girls seem to be very very interested in what the characters are saying while doing the act. They would even play the video back repeatedly while straining their ears to understand the muffled conversations [the medical transcriptionists are usually better at this]

Case in point is the I love you bhebhe scandal where the woman starts off in the bed staring lovingly at her man holding the camcorder while saying some mushy words:

"I love you bhebhe, happy anniversary, sana mag mature na tayo pareho.. Sana di na tayo away ng away" [I hope both of us grow more mature, I hope we don't argue often anymore]

For some reason, girls find this very very funny and memorable, recounting the lines verbatim everytime we touch the topic.

Of course, what happened after the girl said those lines didnt help. After running out of mushy words to say, the girl trailed off and asked:

"O anong rin masasabi mo?" [do you have something to say too?] and the guy answered.

"Eh maghubad ka na" [take off your clothes]

Upon which the girl proceeded to blow the guy while mumbling some endearments in between slurps.

O_o ... That's wicked..

Then there was this Lasalle scandal where the girl said while the guy was taking a close up video of her privates:

"papatayin talaga kita, pag lumabas tong video na to" [I'll kill you if this video gets out]

And the whole country giggled at that line.

Guys are no better.. One of my college friends know that my work is netbased.. Upon learning that the Katrina Halili video came out, he texted me immediately to ask for a copy of the video.. Preferably one that can be played through his phone.o_O

And yesterday, while browsing through the new DVDs of a hole in the wall stall, two groups of guys came in asking if the store manager already have a copy of the katrina halili video.

It's no wonder that the porn industry drives much of the progress today in industries like virtual reality, robotics and internet commerce. Apparently, 'perversion' is an expensive habit and a profitable business. Just now, there are already 159,000 search results for katrina halili scandal in google and more than 500,000 average monthly searches for pinoy scandal related videos according to the google keyword tool. o_O

Now our own senate is at it again - Investigating the sex scandal of katrina halili this time. Moreover, they have already subpoenaed the 3 women concerned to appear before them and to have them checked by a shrink for trauma [as if appearing before the national media because of their scandals where everyone can oogle at them while reviewing the sex videos will help]

Is it just me or does it seem that our senate is doing nothin else but investigate one case after another like a local version of CSI? [one which doesnt solve a lot of cases, he he]. Senator Revilla even gave a thundering sermon against 'the ultimate of perverts' whereupon someone saw it fit to remind him that he himself had a sex video scandal way back in 2002. o_O Does that make him the Runner Up to the ultimate of perverts?

Another celebrity was also heard saying that Katrina should have refrained from having sex in the first place because it is bad. o_O A line from the bible comes to mind.. 'let her without a sin cast the first stone'. Ehe he.. Maybe she should get herself sewn up.

On another note, the mother of all whistle blowers [one that broke open the Hello Garci scandal] from the NBI recently passed away and some people are recommending that he should become a national hero.

Reading the discussions on the internet though, the hundreds of posts that hail Hayden as the new pinoy idol, a poll that asks who will vote for Hayden as the next president, the thousand of posts pleading for a link, and several others proclaiming the date of the release of the sex scandal a national sperm spraying day, one could almost infer that its Dr. Hayden that the people want to be their next national hero. Right up there beside Dr. Jose Rizal.

O_o

I wonder what his monument would look like?

	Should Hayden be the Next National Hero?: Aftershocks of the Katrina Halili Scandal

Reflections On Friendster Exhibitionists

Piebuko has posed a very interesting question in her blog. Why do girls take pictures of themselves in their undies?

Why Indeed? O_o I have asked the same question myself when I first discovered amateur porn [not that I was complaining then or now] back in college. But why do some girls get their kicks by posting half nude pictures of themselves in a place where everyone can see them?

A manifestation of their exhibitionist tendencies perhaps? I remember way back in grade school, boys had a somewhat similar inclination. There were a lot of penis flashing in those days. Lookiee what I have! One would suddenly exclaim as you pee beside him in the boy's CR. His penis would then be suddenly out for your perusal as if he was expecting a comment. Some older guys still do this too. I remember a story told by our female batchmate. She was sitting beside a man [who she thought was just waving a black umbrella back and forth ] in an FX taxi. When she chanced to look directly at the man. Lo and Behold! It was not an umbrella but a very large black dick! The man was looking at her as if daring her to react. The first thing that came to my mind when told of this story was a childhood rhyme. See bantay jump... See bantay jump mother.. See bantay jump father.. Fact is, some people just get a kick out of seeing other's reaction to their nudity [or half nudity]. Maybe in their secret selves, they feel that they have to be half nude or nude to be noticed or envied. Bad press is still press after all, he he. Lookie what I have!

Some girls are also very proud of their bodies. They are so in love with themselves that I think that if they can only clone themselves, they'd fuck themselves brainless in a minute. Remember the girls that stop and admire their reflections in my Multi-millenium bug blog? Well, if you know of someone who does this every other minute, check out their friendster albums and I'll bet you'll find half naked pictures along with the googoo eyed zoolander faces there. Ehe he, ask jinky and she'll tell you that some men do this too -uploading pics of themselves in their briefs. o_O

Lastly, some girls do this to advertise their availability and to attract hormone driven men. If you stop to think about it, this is really understandable as it is only a digital manifestation of a primal instinct. After all, female animals in the wild do rub their genitals on trees, leaving their scents, to advertise the fact that they are ready to mate. Posting half nude or nude pictures of themselves is just a digital equivalent of this.

Whatever the reason may be, I think the half nude or nude pictures of social network users also serve a higher purpose when you ponder about the bigger picture. Think about it as one of the mate selection tools of us homo sapiens. Dick driven guys gravitate towards the half nudies and exhibitionists, romantic guys go for the ones with the right background music, cutie widgets and cutie profiles, and others go for what's in the blogs [although all guys still do take a peek at them nudies who are only too eager to show their goods for free every once in a while, he he].

Now friendster/myspace/facebook nudies lamenting the injustice that they can't find any decent men..

... That I don't understand. O_o

	Reflections On Friendster Exhibitionists

Secret Notes of the Pinoy Movie Industry

* note: This does not apply to All pinoy movies. Some of them are actually very good.


On Characters:

A. Main Character must either have poker face [if action movie] or funny face [if comedy].

Notes:

1. Flabby action stars are ok but minimize running and rolling scenes in the movie as it might end up diminishing the heroic look of hero.

2. Hero must be poor, to gain instant sympathy from our target audience [tucked in shirts, fitted pants, belt buckles and brown shoes]

3. For some reason, ladies in the movie will find this flabby guy attractive [please look for possibles in pinoy big brother auditions]

B. Bad Character Must Have Evil Laugh [with maniacal eyes to match]. [video recording attached, please practice the antagonist on this]

C. Funny sidekick [preferably gay] (don't explain why hero wants to hang out with this guy)

D. Leading Lady [maria clara type, spitting mad at the hero at the start of the story but fucks him like a rabbit near the end. Please see sex scence notes]

E. Goons and Syndicates - contact numbers of guys who always play this part attached in separate document. They will already know the good guy - bad guy routine.

On Props:

- Defective Bullets and Magical Guns: none of the lesser bad guys should hit main character no matter if this is beyond the realm of real life statistics and if a gazillion guns are pointed at him- as usual tell them to aim for hero's feet. Good guy's gun should be fitted with the infinite bullets magazine [thank God no one in the audience knows how to count] and homing bullets [one that kills 3 bad guys for every single shot]

- Old Cars and Warehouse Hideouts: Tell producers that we don't have enough budget to use new cars in movies for supposedly 'filthy rich and powerful' bad guys. Please check stockroom or buy and sell for cheap old cars for sale instead [this will be used in car chases and exploding car scenes in the movie]. No exploding cars during car chases please, they are too expensive to create - explode car while stationary instead - use toy car if possible.

Also please contact the owner of regular warehouse we use as headquarters for the bad guys and the setting for the final battle scene. Wakwak mansions are too expensive to rent [let's hope the audience doesnt know any better].

Don't forget the pancit prop the hero brings to his child's bday just before their house gets hosed by the bad guys. [scatter the pancit over the child's bloody body as this will enrage the audience]

On Special Effects:

- Bad Guys Dance when Shot and Flies when punched by good guy. Please contact regular choreographer for this and practice the bad guys crew in flying and dancing. Rehearsal scheduled before actual shot.

- Stomach Punches el Rapido with Ear Clapping Finale. [audience loves this for some reason although it defies logic why someone will just stand there and take a hundred punches to the tummy and still wait for the ear clapping finale] No matter, contact actor if his arthritis still permits this move. On second thought.. Is this actor still around?

On Plot:

Below is a checklist of different plots or twists you can use for the movie or to make the TV series longer than it originally was if it gets good ratings.

- Amnesia: wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Good idea to insert new characters on this part. No permanent amnesias please.

- Kidnap: May be done before amnesia or to give main character the catalyst to go after the bad guys near the end. The Kidnapping needs not have a good reason behind it. Just get the girl or whatever and see what develops from there.

- babies get switched: a very 'good twist' for the movie although it seems a little obvious from the start [by the way, check with researcher if this happens often in our country].

- lockets, necklace, ring, diary, etc that holds the answer to main character's life. [suggestion that main character will pawn her necklace to buy a new 3G cellphone is rejected, who sent this?]

- Extremes: super rich vs. ultra poor is a proven strategy although the president's daughter falling for the poor blind guy who plays the guitar in an overpass and doesnt take a bath might be a bit unrealistic.

- Vendetta: Have the poor maltreated underdog win the jackpot lotto, inherit wealth from a distant relative or marry some old dying geezer to turn the tables somewhere in the middle of the movie. Don't show scenes where the underdog goes on a wild eyed shopping spree frenzy in divisoria. Underdog must be sophisticated, calm and composed when she meets her tormentor, plus she will also be able to speak in straight english.

Scenes:

- Instant aging of characters - character sits in the toilet as a kid, stands up to wash her butt as a young woman or rides a jeepney as an eight year old and come down as an eighty year old. Think up of a good transformation scene and send me your ideas. Do you think a little girl's armpits suddenly growing hairs with a camera pan showing a beautiful grown woman plucking the armpit hairs in front of the mirror is a good idea? Or how about a young girl picking her nose? Close up on the booger, pan out and show a young woman daintily rolling and flicking the booger?

- One of the bad guys is always around when someone confesses a secret: yes even when that secret is told in a confessional booth - bad guy should either be the priest or pretending to be a statue on top of confessional booth. Ps. Don't forget the evil smile as bad guy listens and discovers secret.

- Someone falls off the stairs: Dramatic way of getting rid of someone important in movie. Stairs should be made of concrete or marble and not wood and should be composed of more than 3 steps. Please dont forget camera pan focusing on facial expression of character as she falls down. Do a slow motion if possible but dont give the falling character a script.

- Someone has to die first before the good guy becomes enraged. Dying person says 1 page script before dying. Dying person SHOULD be someone of importance to main character. The scene with the laundry woman dying in the arms of her master telling him about remaining spin cycles and where the hangers are stored was scratched from our script.

- Song and Dance Portion: There is nothing wrong with a macho, bad ass, no nonsense type of hero doing a song and dance portion on the beach with his lady and hundreds of other beach goers. Even macho guys get overwhelmed by emotions sometimes, although in real life he would have to kill himself afterwards because of the shame.

- Bullets run out so the good and bad guy have to fight hand to hand combat. Why this is so is a mystery the film school didnt explain. Maybe there's just something very sellable with two macho guys groping each other, tumbling on the floor with their sweat dripping on each other and breathing on each other's face.

- Leading Man and Leading Lady Run Together in Slow motion as Background Explodes: This shot is a must as 30% of the budget is tied in the explosives in this scene. Use three cameras to capture the scene and show all in movie. No cuts, no retakes even if all three cameras show the love handles of the hero flapping up and down as he runs.

- Nude Scenes: Of course, no action movie is complete without some sweaty, glazed eyed, moan filled, slow motion errotic bed scene. Special care must be taken to ensure that the scene makes it through the censors though. So a. only one breast or one nipple should be visible at any one time, b. No pubic hair or shadows of pubic hairs are to be shown c. Focus on characters' glaze eyed faces and confusing entwined body parts instead of the sensitive parts and d. Even if it defies reality and logic combined, the guy should be fixated at kissing the girl, her neck, her ears and anywhere else instead of her breasts. No sucking of the nipple please!! This doesnt happen in movies!

Finally, have the hero and leading lady sing the movie's theme song in a popular TV show even if they both don't know how to sing. Promote the controversial [and unrealistic] sex scene in the movie, sit back and wait for the bucks to roll in. Never mind if its a complete waste of a powerful educational media or if its the damn tail wagging the media dog. In this industry, the only God is the one you keep in your wallet.

	Secret Notes of the Pinoy Movie Industry

Transcendence

Somehow he knew it was just a matter of time. Then again, he already knew there was something terribly wrong a week before when the lab results came in and he noticed the whispered conversations, the unshed tears and the poignant tenderness in the touch of his loved ones - almost as if they were etching every moment in their souls.

He was finding it hard to breathe, much more to talk. Out from nowhere, a muted sob escapes his lips and a single tear rolled down his cheek. Not because of the innate fear of what's to come but because of the deep regret that comes with wishing things could've been different, that he could've done more, loved more or could've spoken the words that would now be forever unsaid.

In the twilight on his conciousness he hear his wife praying for him and his children whispering words of love and goodbyes. With all his heart he wished he could all hold them in his arms one last time.. with his last breath he prayed they will be alright.

It was time...

Slowly, his conciousness ebbed until it was all but a flicker of light. He felt himself drifting into the vast nothingness that inhabits the world of dreams. His thoughts begin to fragment, one by one, all his memories flashed before his eyes before disintegrating into the void and soon enough, even his very concept of self was lost in a fine mist of thoughts and memories.

Like tiny bubbles in a fast flowing stream, the fragments floated. For what seemed like ages, these bits and pieces journeyed among other bubbles scattering, tumbling and merging in the turbulent flow. Finally, the river of fragments empties itself into a vast ocean. There they slowed, settled and finally recombined..

Light...

It was the first spark of conciousness - like waking from a deep restful sleep yet more so. And in that first moment, self and all the fragments of memories recombine from the bubbles in the froth. He opens his eyes and is flooded by a sudden gush of awareness. It is as if his self permeates the whole of the vast ocean, as if he was one with the flows, the tides and the froth. He is an entity unbounded by physical dimensions and yet one with the whole. He has never felt more alive before.

Welcome home..

A voice from his childhood and yet no words were spoken. He sensed a multitude of selves welcoming, enveloping him and merging with his own. Fragments crossed the divide and suddenly he knew who they were..

His mother whom he has not seen for almost 20 years, his cousin and childhood friend, his brother in law who preceeded him not a year ago, his friends, aunts, uncles, friends and everyone else he had known, loved and said farewell to in his other life.

They enveloped him and his core was suffused with a deep glow of contentment. This time though there were no physical barriers between him and their multitudes of conciousness - all their thoughts and feelings crossed from one awareness to the other without dilution. It was a perfect union of entities and selves.

...What is this place?...

...It is a stream of conciousness unbounded by space and time. A creation of downstreamers far into the future that reaches into the furthest past.

The question was anwered almost at the same time it was asked..

Every mind that has ever existed and that has ever been freed from its physical confines are brought here - a vast network of interlinked minds spanning every world, every time and every dimension of our universe. Here we are whole, we are at peace, we are one...

And so it was, without the need for pretensions, misleading words, insecurities and hidden intentions so common in the physical world, he began to experience perfect tranquility for the first time in his life. With the purity of union among other entities and the conciousness stream, he began to understand the true meaning of happiness and meaning. He has found life in its purest form.

The stream is an unbroken loop of minds that threads the most remote past to the furthest future where people are born free from physical bodies and are introduced directly into the stream. It is connected to the physical world only though the different manifestations of energy.. Thoughts, dreams, radiation, matter.. Through which everything from the formation of stars to the unfolding of time is connected.

Interlinked conciousness and life using the very fabric of the universe.. It is to be the final step in the evolution of man and his technology and his quest for the fullfilment of an eons old faith. A future folds into the past to extend Redemption.. Eternity.. Peace..

He thought of the family he have left behind and his attempts of direct communication through the physical barriers of the human brain. He fleetingly feels a deep sense of regret and loss.

But in this place where one human lifetime is but a drop in the glorious infinity of the stream, he would wait..

And when he opened his eyes, he smiled..

Welcome home...

	Transcendence

Countdown to Chaos

It's been raining non-stop for almost 4 days now and the weather station predicts than it will rain for about 4 days more. I've almost forgotten what it's like to see the sun and go through the day without hearing raindrops splattering on the pavement below. I've also heard that the water level of the river [which is just one house away from us] is almost at level with the discharge pipes. Streets are flooding, crops are drowning, the laundry is getting smelly and the roof, our roof, is on the verge of disintegrating. We've been running around here for the past two days or so doing water leak damage control as if we're in a fuckin' submarine or something.

"all hands to battlestations!! This is not a drill!!"

Worse of all, this is happening right smack in the middle of freakin summer! The weather stations are going bonkers trying to explain how in earth did 3 low pressure areas simultaneously develop over the country. They may not be saying it out loud, but I think the general mood is "Fuck It! Blame it on fuckin' global warming and let's go home!"

Well at least we don't have to worry about swine flu just yet. Or at least as far as we know. I wouldn't trust our government's ability to screen airport arrivals as far as I can throw myself. Hell, they can't even solve the traffic problem. So basically, we're just waiting for the axe to fall or the shit to hit the fan or whatever. And when it does, the numbers are against us surviving like Will Smith did in I am legend. More likely, we're going to be one of those ugly mutated pakershits who eat each other's toes for breakfast.

What exactly do we do in case this becomes a pandemic? O_o Do we:

A: Spend like crazy to stock up on food, medicine, cigs and other survival supplies and bar the doors? [as long as the internet connection keeps up, this isnt too far from any other day, he he, we're already hermits as it is]

B. Burn anyone who so much as sneezes or shows an elevated temperature?

Or

C. Head for the mountains along with sacks of canned goods and hope to God that Inday didnt forget to bring along the can opener?

Maybe the government will even contruct a Philippine Ark and decide who gets to go in through Pinoy Bingo Night..

Well at least, the Global economic recession will be a moot point by then, along with the issue of charter change, overpopulation, global pollution and the new plate number coding in Naga. He he

	Countdown to Chaos

A Frat Story

As with most things in my life, becoming a 'fratman' back in college was one of the many things I didn't plan or even wish for. In fact, if someone have predicted back in highschool that I'd be one a few years from graduation, I'd probably laugh out loud and challenge him to bet on his prediction. [just to be safe, I would have never studied in Manila]

There's just something about secret handshakes, initiation burn marks, whispered passwords and better yet, the fratman 'look' [the one that's supposed to convey danger, mystery and suspense to girls] that I find very cheesy and funny - like something that came out of a low budget action movie. Moreover, I can't even imagine myself acting all mysterious, and dangerous, etc. [jinggoy? He he he]

That's why when 2 of my highschool buds [botchok and chard] joined one of the hiphop fraternities [gangstas paradise played on the background while they were getting whacked by a paddle], I found myself rolling on the floor laughing so hard at their stupidity [they never told me any frat stories after that].

Little did I know that the same faith awaited me 4 years from then...

It was my second year in college and I was very active in our activist/regional org and the newest boarder of an all bicolano boarding house. Three of them were from the same engineering frat and one of them was my yosi buddy. Predictably, I was trying to convince this yosi buddy to join my org [so that I'll have a source of cigs in our tambayan]. He in turn, could convince his two other brods to do the same.

"I'll join your org if you attend our frat's orientation", he negotiated.

Orientation in our org was very much like a sale's pitch seminar wherein all the good points of the org was presented after which, the prospects are asked to decide if they want to move to the next level. If you only came for the free food, shame on you but that's ok. You can opt not to join and there would be no hard feelings.

It was with this notion that I agreed to his condition and went to the frat tambayan alone the next day to ask for my orientation.

God, these were scary looking people, i remember thinking as I walked towards the tambayan table. All were smoking, playing cards and glaring at me [they didnt know i was there for the orientation] for walking through frat grounds. One of them got up to stretch his hands over his head [which reached the ceiling easily].

I sat down [they were glaring a bit more fiercely now as they thought I was there to eat my lunch on their table].

"Hello, I'm here for the orientation"

"oh..." a pause as their minds undergo a paradigm shift. I would later on learn that prospects rarely come alone to the tambayan asking for an orientation.

Suddenly, there were welcoming smiles all over the table [which was a bit weird as they were intensely glaring at me just a few minutes ago], handshakes and introductions. After a few minutes of small talk and chitchat, some of them then proceeded to orient me about the frat - history, advantages of joining, comparison, etc, etc and I was nodding my head like the dog figurine on a car dashboard all throughout.

"so that's it" one of them says "now, we'd like to formally invite you to join our frat". Hands were suddenly out and I got the vague feeling that shaking them would mean yes and seal my fate - which I had no intention of ever doing now that I got my orientation.

Uhhhh... I'd like to think about it first if you guys don't mind.. [a preset safe answer to wiggle off the hook]

"That's ok", one of them smoothly says "seeing as we were not able to give you a formal orientation/presentation, we'd like to invite you to one instead - a deeper discussion of the things said here.

Again, those smiles which activated the self-preservation alarms in my head..

Uhhh... I don't know... I trailed off..

"It's nothing", he hastened to assure me.

"Just a few drinks, a more indepth discussion of the things said here and that's it"...

Expectant looks...

"hooookaay..."

Followed by handshakes and more of those eerie smiles all around..

Remember all those persistent salesmen that somehow convinces you to buy things you didnt even plan on having or didnt even like? Or religious org members too nice to refuse then you somehow find yourself in gatherings trying your damn best to pretend you had the gift of tongues?

I should've known.. The smiles were those of a cat that swallowed the canary..

And with my "hoookay..", I sealed my fate..

There was no turning back after that.. And the consequences of quitting were much more horrible than that of just bearing the initiation and final rites [I've always wondered about the traumatized guys in school being roughed up, spat upon and bullied in cr's and hallways, it was then I found out that they were frat quitters]. In the world of fraternities, you stuck to your word regardless if you said it while you were stinking drunk or half concious from all the beatings.

O well, I'd rather do the spitting than be the one spat upon...

And just like that [several months of torture], I became a fratman..

Not that I ever regretted it. I remember reading something scrawled by a jaded soul on a bathroom wall in UP that says something about nobody in this world dying a virgin, Life fucks us all. It may be so, but even then I think we all still have the option of learning something even when we are on our backs while life humping us on the ground [which reminds me of the time I joined the ROTC officer's Core Platoon when I was just a freshman but that's for another story].

It was in our frat that I learned much about how to handle people and projects, how to manage disputes and embarked on my first forays in the world of business.

Of course, I also managed to learn a good deal about frat wars, handling neophytes and of course coping with the ever present mysterious, dangerous, brooding, intense, etc, look that most brods put on with their fratshirts.

Thank God there were no secret handshakes or a Gangsta's Paradise background music though, he he

	A Frat Story

Some Less Discussed Mysteries in Life

10 am... Still in Bed.. Its a butt freezing / gonads shrinking kind of day in the middle of summer. Waiting for work and pondering on some of the unsolved mysteries of life while at it. Some of which are as follows:



1. Brittle Plastic Utensils

Don't you just hate plastic utensils that break very easily when eating? I mean, what's the use of making plastic eating utensils that are softer than the meat we usually eat?

2. Headset with one chord longer than the other

I hate using my phone headset. Somehow, I just cant figure out how to properly use them what with the other chord much longer than the other. Used to be, headset chords were equal in length and simple to use. Now, I have to decide which of my ears are farther from my neck.

3. Booksale with disorganized and hard to reach books

And what's up with booksale? Why sell books, all the while making it harder for bookworms to find the books they want in the cluttered, disorganized shelves? You find Sci-Fi books scaterred all over the place, historical books among romance pocketbooks and murder and mystery books among everything else!

Somethings you even have to crouch near the floor and dig through the books stacked near the bottom of the shelf. Or move the blocks of book from one place to another like a damn rubik's cube just so you could see what's behind or below.

I hope they realize how much potential sales they are losing all because of their sub-optimized, poorly designed bookshelves.

4. Pubic hairs in the public urinals

One of the things that perplexes me most in comfort rooms for males... Why.. Are there bits of pubic hairs in the urinal? How did it get there? At first, I thought it was a natural consequence of opening and closing zippers when peeing, but seeing as I've never experienced hairs being ripped from there when I zip up or down, I quickly disregarded this idea. Then I thought, maybe these were pubic hairs that have been pulled loose while walking around the mall and have escaped the mothership when we pull down our briefs to pee. No such luck.. It never happened to me.

Which sets me thinking of a weird but probable hypothesis [someone once said that in the absence of any other plausible explanation, the last remaining theory, no matter how far fetched or weird it is, should be the truth]. Maybe there are guys that have this weird habit of pulling pubic hairs from their wieners right after they pee. Kinda like a tip to the faithful urinal or perhaps a marker that says to the next person - I was here. So in effect, they zip down, pee, wag their motherships to check for any stowaways, and think - almost forgot, got to leave some pubic hair for the next guy. Thus, the thick, short and curly hairs on the urinal. o_O

5. Brief Flaps

Which reminds me of another thing I've been wondering about since gradeschool.. Why are there flaps in men's briefs?? In fact, as I am writing this, I took out one of my briefs again just to be sure. It's composed of two thick pieces of cloth overlapping each other over the main area. There's this space upfront where you can squeeze in your fingers and reach the other side. What is this for?o_O

An alternate route perhaps? But i've never heard of someone who prefers bringing out the goods this way.

Extra adjustment space? Maybe the one-eyed snake is supposed to go this way during periods of agitation and periodic lengthening? Kinda like a doorway to the outside world.

Or maybe, this design is for those who use both sides of their briefs before washing them [had this type of boardmate back in college]?o_O so its one flap for Monday and another one for Tuesday - a go green option for briefs, he he

So there you go... If you can shed some light on the above mentioned life questions, it will be very much appreciated.^_^

	Some Less Discussed Mysteries in Life

The Multi-Millenium Bug

When Adam complained to God that he was lonely in his paradise, God, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to give him a laptop with an internet connection, a playstation or a wii, some movies to watch or some weed to smoke. Instead, he gave him a woman.

Perhaps God knew that as soon as Adam grow tired of his little toys he'll come complaining again and again asking for bigger toys and newer versions [a perpetual pain in the ass]. And so instead of giving him something to be entertained about, God gave adam someone who will plague his existence to perpetuity and keep him on his toes. Adam will then be too busy thinking about keeping his sanity to think about petty things like entertainment.

And so it came to pass, Adam got kicked out of paradise because the woman was too curious about the one thing forbidden to them, Samson became a slave because of a woman barber, John the Baptist lost his head because of a woman's bday wish, The Great Wall of China [one of the most massive engineering projects even to this day] became the Great Useless Wall of China all because of a woman who seduced a Chin General guarding the gate, and President Clinton lost his job because of a woman and some transactions that occurred under the table.

Even now, in the apex of scientific achievement, in the age of space flight, nanotechnology, robotics and genetics, men are no closer solving this multi-millenium bug infecting his system. A few woman mysteries are listed below:


1. The Comfort Room Vigil

What happens to a woman when she enters a comfort room? Why do they take so long in a very simple task like peeing? Do they pray the rosary or perhaps play a game of bridge? Are there additional protocols and security clearance checks in the girls' CR? Or when they say they have to pee, do they really mean they have to pee, brush their hair, fix their make-up, adjust their tampoons, pluck their eyebrows, paint their toenails etc, etc? For men, who spend 60 seconds on the average when they pee, this is utterly baffling.


2. The Xmas Tree Boyfriend

Women bring a lot of widgets and doodads when they go outside. Face powder, lipstick, make-up, sunblock, hair brush, hair spray, mirror, eyeliner, wallet, cellphone, etc, etc, etc. The perplexing thing is, women's fashion ignore this basic habit when it comes to designing women's clothes. All they have come up with are pants' pockets that are too small or too tight to carry anything, even a damn cellphone!

On the other hand, the only thing men carry when they go outside are their car keys, wallet and cellphone. Interestingly enough, men's outdoor shorts or pants are full of extra pockets which we dont really need. That is.. Until... The woman hands over her widgets and doodads! Then you look like a fuckin' xmas tree bulging full of things you wouldnt want to be caught dead carrying! [i think a woman designed these shorts].

Oh yeah, some women will defensively say that they have handbags for these things. Riiiiggghhttt... Look around the mall and see who lugs these handbags as well as the other shopping bags around.. He he, women's handbags should be designed for men.


3. Tubes, Miniskirts and High Heels

Only women are willing to wear clothes and shoes designed to make them feel uncomfortable. [this maybe a part of eve's curse for biting into the forbidden fruit - a genetic coding hardwired into women’s' brains that predisposes them to masochistic fashion]. High heels that squeezes the toes towards the front [some turn blue] and slips into sidewalk cracks. Tubes that are always in danger of flipping/sliding down and turning you from a tease to a pornstar [sayaw tayo!!] so you always have to pull them up. Miniskirts that are always in danger of hiking up and exposing what's only meant to peek so you always have to pull them down.


4. Havaiannas Craze

Speaking about fashion.. What's up with them sandalbida looking outrageously priced rubber slippers??? Is this a modern The Emperor's New Slippers kind of story? Women walking around admiring each others rubber slippers as if they are a totally new invention or something?? What's happening here?? Do they see something we men dont??@.@ Or is this just a global joke they're pulling on us [maybe there's a secret forum where women are laughing their asses off because of our perplexed looks.]


5. ESP not Included

Something that should've been stamped on men's foreheads when we were born.. ESP not included.. Women.. NEWFLASH.. WE CANT READ YOUR MINDS and even if we could MOST TIMES IT WONT CHANGE A THING..

Here's an example..

Woman: I'm Hungry
Man: What do you Want to Eat?
Woman: I Dont Know..
Man: Where do you want to eat?
Woman: Anywhere Nice..

#$@@%%!!!

at this point.. I cant help but wonder how women got promoted to Homo Sapiens when they cant even make up their minds about what they want to eat.. i mean.. even amoebas know what they want right?@.@

Also, they'll tear your eyes out if you happen to say something against gender equality and yet sulk for hours if you dont help carry their shopping bags..@.@

"I will Survive" might be a song they connect with and Independence their new buzzword, but when they need to get somewhere, you can bet your ass you better warm up the car..

speaking about sulking.. when women do this and you ask what the problem is and they answer "it's nothing".. DONT take it at face value and For God's sake DONT start acting Chirpy and Relieved.. Hell has just begun..

Back in Gradeschool I always wondered why Professor Charles Xavier was single and bald given his ability to read minds.. Now I Know.. must be because of his ex-wife..

6. Gender Equality

Speaking about gender equality.. we guys cant even expect that our women knows how to cook these days.. or sew close holes in our clothes worth a damn.. its the 20th century after all..

WHY... is it then that they're in the car waiting for it to get fixed while we're out in the fucking heat changing the tires??@.@ WHY.. is their broken laptop on our to-do LIST? and why are they screaming under the bedsheets waiting for us to go out of ours and kill the damn cockroach??@.@ I think they pulled a fast one on us regarding this gender equality thing...

7. Reality Shows

The Bachelor... The bachelorette.. America's Next Top Model.. Temptation Island...

WHAT'S WITH THESE SHOWS??@.@

I mean.. I get why CSI became a hit.. you get to connect the dots..
Heroes.. some nifty mutant powers..
Doctor house... medical mysteries

But shows about bitch wars???@.@ Women figuratively scratching each others eyes out??@.@

Watch them closely while some girl in the show gets humiliated and you'll see evil little smiles and hear some nasty side comments of glee.. like vampires bathing in blood..

it's creepy..

at least no one gets emotionally fucked up for life in UFC or WWF... @.@ and they say we're blood thirsty..


8. Relativity

According to Einstein and his theory of relativity, time dilation and relative time occurs when one of the reference frames is moving close to the speed of light..

I beg to disagree...

You dont need gigantic multi Billion dollar particle accelerators or mini black holes just to see time dilation in action.. you just have to see how a woman prepares herself when about to go out..

when you ask a woman out and she tells you "give me a minute to prepare".. you can bet your ass her definition of a minute is not in the same universe as yours..

Men... Here's a little tip.. Don't start taking a bath unless you see her putting her shoes on.. you'll be dressed and ready to go out by the time she has finished double checking her make-up..:D


9. Painted Nails

What's with painted nails?? is this a woman ritual derived from ancient warriors putting on war paint on their faces? @.@ like painting their nails firetruck red when they're planning to do something really really naughty later on??@.@ Is it an outlet for excess creative energy?? some form of self-expression perhaps??

thank God men dont have such compulsions to color and mess with our bodies and such.. I cant imagine spending 30 minutes or so coloring my balls to match my mood before going out..


10. Reflective Women

Not all women do this, but I've noticed a growing percentage especially among young women in the growing gimik strip along magsaysay ave who seem very fond of looking at their own reflections in car window tints, storefront glass windows, pillar surfaces, stall mirrors and just about anything that would give them a decent reflection of themselves - even puddles of water!

So in effect, you see masses of moving women, pausing now and then in front of anything that reflects light adequately, turning their heads just the right angle, sucking in their cheeks and making goo goo eyes at the reflective surface. They then move on to the next reflective surface and do everything all over again.

O_o

Sometimes I wonder if the flood of microwaves, cellphone signal waves, radiowaves, wifi and bluetooth signal waves is finally taking its toll on the gray matter in our brains, especially the young.

Heck, they've even started to populate friendster with these googoo eyed puckered lips Zoolander pose thanks to the miniature cameras on their phones. If God created us in his own image, he must be grimacing from all the friendster and myspace pics he has seen recently.

Some say that at some time in the future, men will finally be as powerful as gods - capable of bending the fabric of space and even capable of unraveling the fabric of time. Maybe then, they'll go back to Adam and give him his weed or playstation or something. he he he

	The Multi-Millenium Bug

Happy Marbles III

some more additions to my happy marbles post...:)

1. The Clay Dick

The incident happened way back in Grade 6 - a time when most girls in our class were still in the dark on what a male genital looks like. It was class break and the girls were huddled in one corner of the classroom swapping [what else] gossips about the girls not present in the group. We boys were also huddled in the opposite corner busy fashioning a real looking dick out of flesh colored clay [even the nerves were detailed].

Upon completion, one of the boys in our group unzipped his pants and stuck the clay dick inside [just so that most of the apparatus was hanging outside]. He then proceeded to walk towards the girls' corner as if nothing was amiss.

"Hey Girls!" He called out in a singsong voice.

The girls turned somewhat in unison irritated at losing their gossip thread. Then, upon seeing the monstrosity that they never expected to see a. During a gossip session. B. Inside the classroom during class break. And c. Hanging just meters from their face long before they even had their first kiss, absolute bedlam broke!! Girls were scattering like cockroaches before a glaring light. Some stood rooted to the spot, their eyes as big as saucers and their mouths uttering incomprehensible gibberish. Some covered their eyes but were peeking through their fingers. Some were scrabbling over desks like demented women, crying because of the trauma of seeing the ghost of xmas future [ha ha ha].

But the best is yet to come. He he. Somewhat fascinated at the fleeing traumatized girls and bored at flashing the clay dick at the oogling girls left behind, this boy proceeded to tear out his clay dick from his pants and hurl it towards the fleeing girls like a damn grenade!

The fleeing girls screamed even louder and some almost fainted at the sight of a detachable flying dick - their brains unable to comprehend the logic of how a dick can suddenly come flying out from the pants like a sidewinder heat seeking missile.

We didnt need to go to the canteen for snacks that day. All our tummies were almost bursting from the excess air we got from laughing our hearts out. He he


2. The Pebble in the Sky

A year earlier, one of the girls in our class was being teased about the hairs growing in her armpits [how the fact was discovered, i don't know]. Anyway, me and my friend was just about to go home, walking over the freshly cut grass of the school lawn when we chanced upon this classmate.

"Hoy!" My friend mischievously called to the girl. Upon which he proceeded to stuff the freshly cut grass into the armpit hole of his school uniform.

Maybe it was because of all the teasing she has been suffering all day long because of a perfectly normal puberty stage she was going through. Or maybe it was because of the incredibly tasteless [ and funny ] portrayal or her armpit bush.

This girl screamed, picked up a large sized rock and threw it in a parabolic arc. My friend and I were laughing at her futile and frustrated attempt [she was quite a distance from us and there was no way a girl could hit a target that far].

When suddenly...

Wwhhaaacckkkk!!...

My friend got hit squarely on his forhead. It was no small whack either. I mean, you could almost hear the rock cracking his skull and rattling his brain inside.

Next thing I knew, my friend was down on the ground, blood gushing out of his head while I just stood there staring stupidly at his writhing form. I heard later on that it took several stitches to sew his wound close.

Score one for womens' lib I guess. He he


3. The Bodybuilder

A bodybuilding gym was then located next to our school, which I frequented every afternoon. Now, there were two people I remember most in this particular gym. One is a big, tall, professional body builder [who the girls were oogling whenever he was around] and the other one was a very short, stocky and heavily muscled regular who always felt he had to outshine this professional body builder whenever he came to town [I think he was building his body to compensate for his height].

One time, the tall professional body builder decided to use the very big and very heavy barbell used only for squat exercises. Even I was impressed. The whole thing almost weighed as much as me and he was going to use it for his benchpress set!!

1-2-3-4-5... A short rest, then... 1-2-3-4-5

I had to restrain myself from cheering along with the oogling girls when he accomplished this inhuman feat!

The professional body builder then prepared to return the heavy squats barbell to the appropriate spot when...

"pare, ako na muna / dude, i'll use it first"

said the short stocky man to the professional bodybuilder [perhaps he felt he had to assert his alpha male status in the gym or maybe he just wanted the girls to oogle him too]

Concerned [the barbell looked larger than him], I edged over closer to short stocky man and asked.. "pare, do you want a spotter?"

[a spotter is your insurance against doing something stupid in the gym like getting yourself crushed by a barbell that's too heavy for your muscles]

He looked at me as if insulted that I should suggest such as thing.. "nnooo.." he drawled, then beamed a smile to the oogling girls..

"well... Ok..." I said, then proceeded to complete my stretching exercises.

1-2-3-4-5.. Oho ho.. Little smurf got some muscle in them bones I thought as I watched the barbell rise and fall from the corner of my eyes.

1.... - 2........... -3...................

.........?

..................?

"pare... spot......."

a weak strained little voice called from the benchpress machine...

I looked over and there he was, straining with all his strength to keep the barbell from crushing him, all his nerves were visible, his bloodshot eyes were almost popping out and there were two lines of mucus running from his nose to his cheeks and towards his eyes...

It took all my strength not to collapse in laughter right there and then as me and several guys helped lift the big barbell off him.

	Happy Marbles III