Counting Potatoes

The Multi-Millenium Bug

When Adam complained to God that he was lonely in his paradise, God, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to give him a laptop with an internet connection, a playstation or a wii, some movies to watch or some weed to smoke. Instead, he gave him a woman.

Perhaps God knew that as soon as Adam grow tired of his little toys he'll come complaining again and again asking for bigger toys and newer versions [a perpetual pain in the ass]. And so instead of giving him something to be entertained about, God gave adam someone who will plague his existence to perpetuity and keep him on his toes. Adam will then be too busy thinking about keeping his sanity to think about petty things like entertainment.

And so it came to pass, Adam got kicked out of paradise because the woman was too curious about the one thing forbidden to them, Samson became a slave because of a woman barber, John the Baptist lost his head because of a woman's bday wish, The Great Wall of China [one of the most massive engineering projects even to this day] became the Great Useless Wall of China all because of a woman who seduced a Chin General guarding the gate, and President Clinton lost his job because of a woman and some transactions that occurred under the table.

Even now, in the apex of scientific achievement, in the age of space flight, nanotechnology, robotics and genetics, men are no closer solving this multi-millenium bug infecting his system. A few woman mysteries are listed below:


1. The Comfort Room Vigil

What happens to a woman when she enters a comfort room? Why do they take so long in a very simple task like peeing? Do they pray the rosary or perhaps play a game of bridge? Are there additional protocols and security clearance checks in the girls' CR? Or when they say they have to pee, do they really mean they have to pee, brush their hair, fix their make-up, adjust their tampoons, pluck their eyebrows, paint their toenails etc, etc? For men, who spend 60 seconds on the average when they pee, this is utterly baffling.


2. The Xmas Tree Boyfriend

Women bring a lot of widgets and doodads when they go outside. Face powder, lipstick, make-up, sunblock, hair brush, hair spray, mirror, eyeliner, wallet, cellphone, etc, etc, etc. The perplexing thing is, women's fashion ignore this basic habit when it comes to designing women's clothes. All they have come up with are pants' pockets that are too small or too tight to carry anything, even a damn cellphone!

On the other hand, the only thing men carry when they go outside are their car keys, wallet and cellphone. Interestingly enough, men's outdoor shorts or pants are full of extra pockets which we dont really need. That is.. Until... The woman hands over her widgets and doodads! Then you look like a fuckin' xmas tree bulging full of things you wouldnt want to be caught dead carrying! [i think a woman designed these shorts].

Oh yeah, some women will defensively say that they have handbags for these things. Riiiiggghhttt... Look around the mall and see who lugs these handbags as well as the other shopping bags around.. He he, women's handbags should be designed for men.


3. Tubes, Miniskirts and High Heels

Only women are willing to wear clothes and shoes designed to make them feel uncomfortable. [this maybe a part of eve's curse for biting into the forbidden fruit - a genetic coding hardwired into women’s' brains that predisposes them to masochistic fashion]. High heels that squeezes the toes towards the front [some turn blue] and slips into sidewalk cracks. Tubes that are always in danger of flipping/sliding down and turning you from a tease to a pornstar [sayaw tayo!!] so you always have to pull them up. Miniskirts that are always in danger of hiking up and exposing what's only meant to peek so you always have to pull them down.


4. Havaiannas Craze

Speaking about fashion.. What's up with them sandalbida looking outrageously priced rubber slippers??? Is this a modern The Emperor's New Slippers kind of story? Women walking around admiring each others rubber slippers as if they are a totally new invention or something?? What's happening here?? Do they see something we men dont??@.@ Or is this just a global joke they're pulling on us [maybe there's a secret forum where women are laughing their asses off because of our perplexed looks.]


5. ESP not Included

Something that should've been stamped on men's foreheads when we were born.. ESP not included.. Women.. NEWFLASH.. WE CANT READ YOUR MINDS and even if we could MOST TIMES IT WONT CHANGE A THING..

Here's an example..

Woman: I'm Hungry
Man: What do you Want to Eat?
Woman: I Dont Know..
Man: Where do you want to eat?
Woman: Anywhere Nice..

#$@@%%!!!

at this point.. I cant help but wonder how women got promoted to Homo Sapiens when they cant even make up their minds about what they want to eat.. i mean.. even amoebas know what they want right?@.@

Also, they'll tear your eyes out if you happen to say something against gender equality and yet sulk for hours if you dont help carry their shopping bags..@.@

"I will Survive" might be a song they connect with and Independence their new buzzword, but when they need to get somewhere, you can bet your ass you better warm up the car..

speaking about sulking.. when women do this and you ask what the problem is and they answer "it's nothing".. DONT take it at face value and For God's sake DONT start acting Chirpy and Relieved.. Hell has just begun..

Back in Gradeschool I always wondered why Professor Charles Xavier was single and bald given his ability to read minds.. Now I Know.. must be because of his ex-wife..

6. Gender Equality

Speaking about gender equality.. we guys cant even expect that our women knows how to cook these days.. or sew close holes in our clothes worth a damn.. its the 20th century after all..

WHY... is it then that they're in the car waiting for it to get fixed while we're out in the fucking heat changing the tires??@.@ WHY.. is their broken laptop on our to-do LIST? and why are they screaming under the bedsheets waiting for us to go out of ours and kill the damn cockroach??@.@ I think they pulled a fast one on us regarding this gender equality thing...

7. Reality Shows

The Bachelor... The bachelorette.. America's Next Top Model.. Temptation Island...

WHAT'S WITH THESE SHOWS??@.@

I mean.. I get why CSI became a hit.. you get to connect the dots..
Heroes.. some nifty mutant powers..
Doctor house... medical mysteries

But shows about bitch wars???@.@ Women figuratively scratching each others eyes out??@.@

Watch them closely while some girl in the show gets humiliated and you'll see evil little smiles and hear some nasty side comments of glee.. like vampires bathing in blood..

it's creepy..

at least no one gets emotionally fucked up for life in UFC or WWF... @.@ and they say we're blood thirsty..


8. Relativity

According to Einstein and his theory of relativity, time dilation and relative time occurs when one of the reference frames is moving close to the speed of light..

I beg to disagree...

You dont need gigantic multi Billion dollar particle accelerators or mini black holes just to see time dilation in action.. you just have to see how a woman prepares herself when about to go out..

when you ask a woman out and she tells you "give me a minute to prepare".. you can bet your ass her definition of a minute is not in the same universe as yours..

Men... Here's a little tip.. Don't start taking a bath unless you see her putting her shoes on.. you'll be dressed and ready to go out by the time she has finished double checking her make-up..:D


9. Painted Nails

What's with painted nails?? is this a woman ritual derived from ancient warriors putting on war paint on their faces? @.@ like painting their nails firetruck red when they're planning to do something really really naughty later on??@.@ Is it an outlet for excess creative energy?? some form of self-expression perhaps??

thank God men dont have such compulsions to color and mess with our bodies and such.. I cant imagine spending 30 minutes or so coloring my balls to match my mood before going out..


10. Reflective Women

Not all women do this, but I've noticed a growing percentage especially among young women in the growing gimik strip along magsaysay ave who seem very fond of looking at their own reflections in car window tints, storefront glass windows, pillar surfaces, stall mirrors and just about anything that would give them a decent reflection of themselves - even puddles of water!

So in effect, you see masses of moving women, pausing now and then in front of anything that reflects light adequately, turning their heads just the right angle, sucking in their cheeks and making goo goo eyes at the reflective surface. They then move on to the next reflective surface and do everything all over again.

O_o

Sometimes I wonder if the flood of microwaves, cellphone signal waves, radiowaves, wifi and bluetooth signal waves is finally taking its toll on the gray matter in our brains, especially the young.

Heck, they've even started to populate friendster with these googoo eyed puckered lips Zoolander pose thanks to the miniature cameras on their phones. If God created us in his own image, he must be grimacing from all the friendster and myspace pics he has seen recently.

Some say that at some time in the future, men will finally be as powerful as gods - capable of bending the fabric of space and even capable of unraveling the fabric of time. Maybe then, they'll go back to Adam and give him his weed or playstation or something. he he he

	The Multi-Millenium Bug