Counting Potatoes

Controversial Views on Philippine Politics: Population Control

There is something seriously wrong with a government who, on one hand, advocates population control (which I suspect is just a politically correct term for “prevent the poor bastards from multiplying like hamsters”) and on the other hand, encourages “natural” birth control methods. I mean, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE JOKE HERE??.. Implementing “natural” birth control methods in a third world country is like discouraging people from watching TV as an energy conservation policy!

It’s not that hard, some of you might be inclined to say. Well that’s because unlike the bottom 70% of our population, you probably have a TV, a radio, a cell phone, a landline phone, pocketbooks, DVDs, a sex doll, a Rubik’s cube, a game and watch or at the very least, an internet connection (after all, you’re reading this blog) to keep you occupied at night. Do you honestly think the bottom 70% of our population with none of the above – thus no source of entertainment after the sun goes down – will be contented to just lay down on their beds, rub their empty stomachs, scratch themselves to oblivion and just… SLEEP??

Hell, even the educated ones who know everything there is to know about “natural” birth control methods and who have all of the above to keep them occupied at night can’t stop themselves from fornicating – why expect more from our poor brothers who don’t have any other nocturnal entertainment except the orgasmic release of a climax??

Expecting poor people to give up their conjugal rights for more or less half of every month, moreover to take the time to count days, take temperature readings, or verify body fluid viscosity is very much like expecting the Iraqis, the Iranians, the Afghans and the Americans to suddenly come out of their trenches, hold hands and sing Kumbaya! – Which, on one hand, seems like a very admirable and ideal way of ending the war but on the other hand, has the same probability of happening as our corrupt politicians spontaneously combusting, surviving the 2010 elections without hearing a single political jingle, or our countrymen winning enough gold in the Olympics to pay off our country’s debts. We can’t even make our countrymen cross streets where they are supposed to, obey traffic rules or come to meetings/activities on time – why expect them to suddenly curb their libidos for half a month of every month?

This brings me to my next point (which incidentally I think is another example of how the government is confused as to what goals it really wants to achieve).

On one hand, our government wants to control the growth of our population and since its efforts seems to focus on the bottom 70% of our population, ergo our government wants to discourage our POOR from breeding. (come to think of it have you ever seen birth control ads targeting the RICH people in our country? Have you ever seen birth control ads with big big rich families shopping their way to kingdom come and eating themselves full? )

On the other hand… most of our government’s budget as well as the funds collected from EVAT seems to be aimed at making the POOR in our country lead more comfortable lives – free HOUSING, free FOOD, free LAND, free ELECTRICITY, free ALMOST EVERYTHING. Those unfortunate enough to be classified as NOT POOR and NOT UNEDUCATED in our country are either taxed to death or forced to fly to other countries in search of work.

HHHMmmmmmm….. So….. People who are NOT POOR in our country are either abandoning ship or being taxed to poverty therefore increasing the poor population while the poor population is being given free food, free housing, free everything.. Does this smell suspiciously like a breeding program for the poor?? A “We want poor people to practice birth control but we will not make the birth control process easy and what’s more we will give them everything they need to breed more” government program??

No wonder we’re not getting anywhere!! We’re like hamsters going round and round a hamster wheel all the while wondering why we’re not moving, he he he. An ex-engineer I know gave a very interesting and straight forward 3 STEP possible solution to this population control – poverty rate – economic situation dilemma that our country is currently in: it goes as follows: 1. Determine the poorest 40% of our population. 2. Collect them all in one place or island. 3. Drop Napalm on them. PROBLEM SOLVED. QED. Population decreases by 40%. Poverty rate decreases by more than 50% and the government will have free funds (those that they used to spend in feeding, housing and other programs) that they can use to build more infrastructure, remove the EVAT and invest in economic development.

Well… that sounded too cold blooded for me. The other participants in the discussion also complained that it was a waste of perfectly good bombs, aviation fuel and government resources… and of course, of people and so proceeded to give me their own opinions on the matter (which I will list here).

** Note: The views and opinions expressed in this page are strictly those of the participants in the discussion. They do not represent the views and opinions of the author (yours truly).

1. The Beer Bottle Block Suggestion

Have you ever noticed that although most poor people have nothing to eat, they somehow always have enough money to buy Ginebra San Miguel or Tanduay Rhum? Take the time to study sari sari stores in poor communities and you’ll find that most of what they sell are alcoholic beverages with the occasional peanuts and Ligo Sardines thrown in. Sometimes looking at the “tambays” drinking every night to forget their problems, you can’t help but compute, extrapolate and approximate the progress they could’ve made if they saved the money and used it instead to build a house or send their children to school.

Of course, separating such men from their bottles could also be classified as next to impossible. The next best thing to do then is to encourage Tanduay or San Miguel or Beer na Beer to shape their bottles like bricks. This way, a poor family could save enough brick bottles in one year’s time to build themselves a house. The men can then smugly and righteously say “I’m drinking so that my family will have a roof over their heads by the end of the year”. He he. Now if only Philip Morris could design their cigarette packs so that they could be used as roofing materials…

2. The Philippine Brat Academy Suggestion

“One burger Mac, extra large fries, a large coke and 3 Mc Children who will be drooling outside the window making me feel guilty while I eat please.” Street children have long perfected the art of making us feel guilty whenever we eat at fastfood restaurants – that’s why I don’t sit too close to the glass window coz they’ll be watching every bite you take and every slurp you make as if your food is the most fascinating thing in the planet. Most of the time, we try our best to ignore these kids. Sometimes, we give in to the guilty feeling and give them our leftovers when we go out. When you think about it, these people eat resto food (although leftovers but resto food nonetheless) almost every day. We eat resto food only once in a while. Why the guilt trip tactic then? O_o

And its not just at restos, we see these street children everywhere - On intersections knocking on our car windows, on gasoline stations, on most overpass, on the sidewalks and anywhere in between where they can get to follow people and beg for money. The big question here is.. WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS? Why are they letting their children roam the streets? These children should be collected by the government on a daily basis and should be sent to a faraway school so that they can finish their education and grow up as productive citizens instead of snatchers. On weekends, these children should be sent to clean up the streets, paint vandalized walls, wash the government’s cars, plant trees, build roads, or any other project that would keep them busy and save or make the government money at the same time. When they grow up, we can then ship them to Singapore, UK, Mainland Europe and anywhere else experiencing negative population growth where they will be encouraged to breed themselves to oblivion. Give or take 50 years and these places will be ours.

3. The Roman Head Count Solution

More than 2000 years ago, Rome had the same population and urban poor problem. The poor then were called the Roman head count and were given free grain doles by the Government every month to keep them in order. A visionary, Gauis Marius, proposed to the senate that instead of just feeding the head count, they should be rounded up, trained for war, equipped with weapons and then sent to faraway places that Rome wanted to secure for herself. Upon completion of their service, the war veterans are given their pension as well as a strip of land (in conquered territory) that they can cultivate. This simple policy enabled Rome to become one of the greatest empires in ancient times.

Why don’t we adopt this same policy to settle the peace and order issues plaguing our country? Round up all the urban poor in manila and other cities, train them to be soldiers, equip them with guns and tanks and then send them to Mindanao and other rebel infested areas and after securing peace and order, give them strips of land and build them houses in the conquered territories so that they can respond to future unrests. We get to solve the peace problem, the food scarcity problem and the urban population problem all in one bold stroke! 3 birds for one stone!

4. The Government Organized Organ Farm Suggestion

A TV documentary sometime ago mentioned that the black market for selling kidneys and other internal organs in the Philippines is fast growing. Since it’s their internal organs to dispose of anyways and since it does alleviate poverty somewhat or at the very least reduces the number of poor people in our country, why doesn’t our government legalize, organize and consequently tax this kind of activity? We can set out and build government organ farms near metropolitan areas, broadcast tear-jerker ads in TVs that basically say “they were once poor, but because they drew sticks and one of them got to sold all of his/her internal organs, the rest of the family are now living quite comfortably in a high rise condo, have investments in the stock market and sends their kids to international schools, one life for many – join the Jihad against poverty now (get your internal organs assessed by your local government organ farm now)!” - Government warning: selling your internal organs is dangerous to your health.

Our government can then proceed to make an EBay for internal organs where transplant candidates from other countries can bid against each other for particular internal organs posted in the site. Item: Liver, good working condition, $50,000 negotiable. can contact seller to see if item is a genetic match for the patient, buy now and get a 20% discount for matching kidneys. We accept all major credit cards, PayPal, and GCash.

5. The Matrix Plot Solution

Then again, we can always take a leaf out of the Matrix plot, round up all the poor people in our country, immerse them in life sustaining fluids, hook their brains up to wonderland (where men are given a lifetime supply of free beer and gin served by sexy waitresses who look too much like the models of Tanduay calendars, where children are given an unlimited supply of rugby and fastfood meals and women get to watch teleseryes and Pinoy Big Brother, as well as gossip with each other all day long), and finally we hook all the bodies up to the main power generator. The energy, population and poverty problem all solved in one shot!

6. The Contraceptive Laced Public Water Supply

Interestingly enough, variants of this solution has already been tried on several countries desperate to solve their population problems – eg – one country gave out free radios to men who were willing to undergo vasectomy. Many went home with shiny new radios and a vague understanding of what vasectomy means. Another country inoculated their women with an infertility virus and yet another country just simply killed any newborn that exceeded a family’s quota.

For our country, why don’t we just simply lace our water supply with contraceptives? Those who want children will simply have to go to a government office, bring credentials such as their income tax return or financial documents that will prove their capacity to support a new baby, and if everything goes well have their water supply source diverted from one that doesn’t have contraceptives. This way, our countrymen can fornicate all they want without the associated risk of producing a squealing infant. No abortions, no unwanted children, no children who cannot go to school because their parents don’t have the money, no shotgun marriages, no street children, no children that will join the ranks of the poor and drain our government’s resources, etc etc.

7. The Church Adoption Center Solution

Since the Church is adamantly set against artificial contraceptives, why don’t we set up a program wherein all the unwanted children born out of “natural” birth control methods will be turned over to the Church’s care? The church will then be responsible for these children's upbringing, education, food, clothing and shelter - A small price to pay for people following the right and proper way of family control. Freed from the natural effects of natural birth control, our people and our government can then concentrate on making our economy prosper. The church gets to help a lot of people – children and parents alike and furthermore helps lower the abortion rate at the same time!

So much for that.:) For any violent reactions, please refer to the note preceding all of these controversial suggestions. It is also important to remember at this point that these are only opinions and suggestions of highly analytical, unemotional and slightly drunk individuals using a logical approach to come up with optimum solutions for otherwise unsolvable problems – much like the robots in the movie I-Robot used their positronic brains to come up with the only viable solution for the problems of the human race. If the suggestions are that hard to accept, please take the time to thank God that these people are not your politicians.:)

	Controversial Views on Philippine Politics: Population Control